!!! Victory Over Death !!!

I re-evaluated the direction that my blog has been heading in and I started to think more structurally on how and what I want to present of myself each month, and why. With that in mind, I edited each past blog working backward except for the first three. I have not looked at the first blog I wrote since I posted it. I rewrote and cleaned up my longer stories and corrected a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes. And, with going back and editing them, I can really see how far I have come and recognize the progress that I have made in my journey without my wife. I will always be going back and correcting or adding to all of my stories that I write.

I know that I have come along way in my sadness, and with my emotional issues I that I’ve been having. I don’t feel like I am the same person from not to many months backs. I am definitely not in a state of constant sadness anymore. That’s good! I was not very happy with myself on what I wrote in last month’s story about Asherah’s path in part VI/6 of the blog post. So, I went back and reworked and edited the story for a better flow and to make more sense.

Asherah, the Cannaanite fertility goddess represented the antagonist to God’s people and their falling away from him when they turned to her and the other gods. She was always pulling them away to forget who they were to worship. Who their true God was and who provided them with substance. In my stories, the modern woman, also known as today’s feminist, is represented by Asherah.

I am having to teach myself how to write and how to edit on the fly. I am learning, slowly.

I move forward, scared and all. Moving forward is hard. Letting go of the past is hard. I seem to like the stagnant mental worry. Trusting in the future is hard. But, I break through what blocks me from moving forward. I have no choice. I can’t cry forever. I have to be brave and stand up for myself. I have to be brave and stand up for God.

I have to be brave and stand up. I have to be courageous and take the steps towards what I believe in. I have growing pains. I am a child in God’s eyes but, I strive to improve for my future. My shattered heart has made me realize that I am worth so much more than what I have settled for. My heart has shown me that.

Trying to stay calm and present in my situation has been a challenge since my beautiful wife died. On top of everything else that comes along with raising a family as a single parent when your life has been turned upside down. Life is not easy. I know there can be no growth and clarity if there is nothing suffered from. With everything I do, I do strive to become more present and calm. I know I am better every month than the month before. I cry a little less and I smile a lot more.

I seem to be resistant to change even though I know I will be a better and happier person because of it in the future. Maybe that’s human nature. That is why God is hard. He doesn’t have to say anything for me to know that I am wrong and for me to instantly think how I can correct that situation next time, if it arises again. So, I don’t make the same mistake twice. I don’t think most people do that. Or, even know that it is a thing that people do to improve themselves. To think about their own actions and how they actually come across and affect others that they are interacting with. But, they also have a take it or leave attitude towards themselves. The others should adapt to their behaviors, not them adjusting and striving to always be a better person for themselves and the others. One attitude is right and one attitude is wrong. One is positive and one is negative. And, what you put into life is what you get out of it. Follow God or follow Satan. The True World is black and white. There are no shades of gray.

I seem to go up and down from having good days where I am somewhat happy to anxious days where I feel helpless, lost and without purpose. This makes me feel stuck. This makes me feel sad. This makes me feel lonely. Having no friends is kind of depressing. It is definitely lonely. I deal with my problems on my own. Struggles and pain and hardships only makes me stronger. I do not doubt myself. I only seek to sabotage myself. As I said before, I can not be my own worst enemy and be the one who stands between myself and greatness. I have to be my biggest supporter because I have no one else and I want to make my children and my wife proud. I am truly alone in this journey. Me, my children and God above.

If my crown is tilted to the side, I stand back up straight and adjust my crown square. I have no choice but to bounce back like I always do. There is no other way. Defeat is not an option. My heart will not let me give up. God makes me love myself even when I try not to.

All I can do is ask God to have mercy on me and to help me to heal and mend my broken heart.

God created humans as social beings and there is a deep desire and want to be close to another human. Without closeness, there is a longing for companionship and touch. It’s also nicer to know that someone you care about believes in you and cares about you too, the same way you care about them. This is why marriage is so important; To believe in one another, to grow together, to share together, to be one, together. To raise a family together. To live as one, together.

God is my gatekeeper and I thank Him everyday for the life that He has given me and my family…

I saw one of my friends riding his beach cruiser down the street the other day with his little dog stuffed in a papoose backpack that he was wearing. The dog was wrapped up like a burrito with only its head sticking out of the drawstring around its neck. Anyway, I had not seen him in a few months and he said, “it’s good to see you so happy!” His dog was cracking me up. I do know that I am petty much back to normal when I interact with others. I try to be happy and cordial and alert. And, my smile is back.

This picture really stirs something up in me. It’s a moment of pure joy caught on film in perfection. They are in a dance together. In love, in that moment.

I miss my wife completely. I think that is part of the reason for my swings. Somedays I feel good and happy and ready to move forward and some days I feel very sad and lonely, because I am. It is really hard on myself sometimes when I realize that I have no one to talk to and share myself with accept my children who don’t really care for adult conversations. I need a group or community to be involved in. Maybe I will build one! A man clan. I like the sound of that.

I was not chosen for my own gain but for God’s purpose. I walk with 100% confidence that I am a part of Him and His Creation.

I am Always on guard for God’s trumpet call. Head up and chin up, with honor, I stand tall for God, I stand tall for Good.

I took a picture of my hair after my Friday workout, a few weeks ago. I have not gotten a hair cut since I started growing it out when Angela started her last chemotherapy almost 3 years ago and we all shaved our heads together in solidarity. I have been growing my hair out ever since. It’s soaking wet from my intense workout session. I wanted to take a picture of where my hair was before I got my first hair cut the next week.

A few Saturdays back, Elliott spent the day with a friend for his friend’s birthday. So, me and Daisy spent the entire day together in Olympia. We both had a really nice time on our father/daughter day.

Daisy wanted to see the Capital building up close so we started our day walking the Capital grounds looking at flowers and such. It must be prom season because there were a lot of girls in their gowns getting their pictures taken together.

The Puget Sound ends a few blocks from the Capital. It’s a beautiful part of downtown Olympia. Daisy wanted to walk down to the water front so that is where we headed. There just happened to be a wooden boat festival underway when we got the water! There were hundeds of venders and lots of people and boats.

There were venders in tents everywhere. My favorite was the Japanese glass float collection for sale. My dream is to have the best authentic glass float collection one day. I have a decent collection. I Only a few in there original nets. Which is really all I want from now on. But will take any of them. They are great decorations for a beach house or for any house for that matter. One will do. A 12 – 16 inch diameter ball with a nice original net goes for $125 – $250 for one float. I did find a 3 inch float in its original net on my walk on the beach last month. I couldn’t believe that I finally found my first glass float on the beach! It only took five years of walking the high tide mark where all of the debree settles to find it.

But it was the boats that I really wanted to see. I don’t think 11 year olds care about old wooden boats that much. Not like I do, apparently.

I will go to every wooden boat meet that I come across. I really liked seeing them. I didn’t even know it was a thang. But now I get excited thinking about those old boats. It was pretty crowded so I didnt get a chance to go on board any of them. I could have. Daisy had no patience. We strolled and I yapped about the boats to a deaf ear. I’m used to that. We had fun.

After I admired the boats we went to the park and goofed around together for quite a while. That was fun. I love spending time with my little girl and I hope she always remembers the days we spent together. I will not forget them. They mean the world to me. She doesn’t know how special she is to me. I love my baby girl with all of my heart.

After our day downtown we went to the trampoline park and jumped and played together until we were both exhausted. We then drove the hour and 40 minute drive home together. I caught her trying to listen to me sing in the car on the way home. That was a fun day. It was beautiful.

Back in 2017, when Elliott was 5 and Daisy was 4, Angela started having heavier and more erratic periods. Or, so we thought. This went on for what seemed like 6 months. Then, the worst happened. Angela went in the bathroom with the door shut. I happened to be in the house at the time and when she came out of the bathroom she was holding her hands in front of her with blood all over them.. She told me that, “blood is pouring out of my vagina and it won’t stop.” She looked petrified and that really scared me.

I looked into the bathroom and it looked like someone had been murdered in there. Blood was everywhere. All over the toilet, the floor, the sink. It was a lot of blood and I was instantly concerned.

I sat Angela down and talked about what might be happening. What we did know is that she was bleeding profusely and it wasn’t right. She called her mom and let her know what was going on and her mom said to go to the hospital immediately. At that point, she was already starting to turn pale.

We only lived 5 minutes from the hospital so I got the kids ready then we went to the emergency room. When we got there I wheeled her in a wheelchair that was outside. The male nurse that was to check Angela’s vitals took one look at her, asked what was happening and said you are bleeding out. She was turning gray at this point. The nurse didnt even check her in and ran her back to trauma room 1 and called a for the emergency team to convene.

Watching her be taken back, I was in shock while I stood there with each of my children in my hands. That was one of the scariest moments of my life. I didn’t realize how much blood she had lost until the nurse told us that she was dying and ran away with her as fast as he could without saying another word. I just stood there in shock and disbelief of what was happening as she was whisked away through the double doors as they announced a code blue over the inner-comm.

I don’t remember much after that. I know Angela’s mom came up the hospital to wait with me and the kids. We aranged for her to take them with her when she left. Not sure how long we waited but they were able to slow down the bleeding by packing her cervix to slow the blood flow. I don’t remember how many blood transfusions she got that day, or for the next week that she remained admitted in the hospital, but, by her last blood transfusion a year or so later, she was up to 30 blood transfusions. It was crazy.

The doctors got her bleeding to slow down enough to admit her into the hospital on the gynecology floor. The admitting Dr. who was on rotations, looked her over and said she “would take care of her and try to figure out what was going on with her.” Angela Christine was now passing placenta sized blood clods out of her vagina. That went on for days as they kept the blood flowing through her with infusions just to keep her alive.

Every twelve hours a new Gynecologist would make their rounds on the floor. Every twelve hours Angela had a new Dr. that didnt seem to care about what was happening with her. Each one said “it can’t be cancer because you are too young.” She looked really young for her age but they knew how old she was, 37. Each Dr. talked to her and passed it off as “heavy periods”. No further action was required. That went on for a week. She did not have one scan during that time.

It wasn’t until the original Dr. that admitted Angela into the hospital had rotations again that anything started moving with her. That was one week later. She was “suprised” to see Angela still there. She said “we will figure this out!” and recommended and scheduled a DNC where they dilate the cervix and then look into the cervix and uterus to see what is going on in there. She scheduled the surgery for the first thing that the next Gynecologist coming onto rotation would have to address and operate. The surgery was scheduled to start his day.

The next Dr. come on shift and he introduced himself to the both of us. He was a good looking guy and really took to Angela. He promised her that everything was gong to be OK, He treated her as if she was his daughter. He might have been my age now. He told her that she would be OK because “she was too young to have cancer”. He left. They whisked Angela away and me, her mom and the two kids went to the operating waiting room.

It could not have been fifteen minutes from time they took Angela away to the time that the Surgeon came to the waiting room looking gray as a ghost. He spotted me and marched over to me and said that we need to talk in private. We went to the other side of the waiting room and he explained to me that Angela had cancer. I asked, “how bad is it?” He said, “Bad”. He said, “I feel soo sorry for what you are about to go through. It’s going to be rough and it’s going to be the worst time in your lives and my heart sinks for you.”

He said “he was sorry” as we both looked over at my mother-in-law holding each one of my children in her hands. all looking back at us. They were so little. Daisy was 4 and Elliott was 5. They were just babies.