I did write you a letter. I’m writing you a letter. I need to put it together on Christmas, for you. Because, 25 years later, I still only want the best for you. I will post it at midnight, whatever I have written. Whatever it is, it will be from my heart to yours.
True story: I took a two hour bath trying to avoid writing this for you…Now it is an incomplete rough draft I will work on it more tomorrow.
I wrote a poem:
You suck.
Your lame.
I long for you, to be gone
from my brain..
What ev’s…
You’re still there.
And, I still care.
I need to work on that.
that was a terrible poem. I will always care. Because, you will always be there, seared in my brain. And, heart..
I never called you a name or said one mean thing to you, or ever tried to make you feel bad or shift your mood negative or play tricks on you or decieve you or lie to you or try to be better than you or think that I was. I never said one mean thing to you. That should do. I said you suck and you are lame. I feel better now. Merry Christmas. I dont know if I do feel better. I dont know if I will ever feel better. Like I said in the first letter, you meant more to me than you will ever know. I hold you in a special place in my heart. In a girl, I will never stop believing in. Because, she believed in me. She believed I could do anything.
I cry and I remember who I am;. I talk to you as if you are with me sometimes. Am I crazy that you never left my mind? that I never stopped thinking about you? That I never stopped hopeing for the best for you?
When my wife was alive, I just thought what I was telling you in my head, now I talk out loud sometimes. But, I have always talked to you, good or bad. My favorite friend who vanished on me, but never really left me. How could she? For, I knew how much she loved me and she and knew she would never stop thinking of me just like I would never stop thinking of her.
I have come along way since I wrote the first letter. Which was a whike back. I was not in very good shape, mentally or physically compared to me this christmas day. I still cry every day. I cry for you, for some reason to be determined. I cry from my heart. My heart says, you do too
BTW, I am writing you again ever though I said that I wouldn’t bother you again. Because, although I wrote the first letter as if I would never talk to you again so I said what was important to me, I feel inside of me that there are some things I want to tell you, for you, for Christmas, for the girl you will be tomorrow.
Ir was “it’s a wonderful life.’ Not, Miracle on 34th street. I don’t even like that movie. An Angel get’s their wings when someone else’s heart holds their’s, in Heaven. That’s how I think it works. Part of your heart is already in Heaven. I will take a piece with me.
I hope you never had plastic surgery again. You dont need a mirror to tell you who is the most fairest. That is why I fell in love with you, because I thought you were the fairest of them all, like snow-white. I did. I adored you. No matter your age, you will always be the rarest. and most desired gem. How you handle it in your heart matters most in the end, not today’s outcome.
people dont just graivatee to you because you are cute and all, I mean, you have something inside of you, just like me that draws people to you. It’s your heart. I know how to read people better than anyone, and I know. evern though you tricked me in the end, I know your heart, I have seen it and it is beautiful because God made it so. Your head, tries to override your heart with chatter. I would not have been your friend if you were not beautiful on the inside. If I am chosen by God, then you are too.
I used to think, how could I be one of God’s chosen? I am not worth anything and have you, weighing on my psyche everyday of my life. How can that be? It wasn’t until I watched my wife die in front of my eyes and I was truly alone and had not one person to talk to and every emotion was pouring out of me, at once, I only had God as my reference and guide to move forward. I realized in all of that pressure and torment that He was and is all I needed.,
I can only be good. I talk to God everyday in my prayer.
I collect old wooden spoons and I always get excited when I find a good one at the thrift store. I dont share that with anyone. I just wanted to tell you.
When I go in public, how I carry myself, I think how James Dean would be, completely in my own world. I rarely. make eye contact with anyone for the sake of an interaction, which I dont want so I walk completely in my own world. It drives every women that comes across me, batty. It is like when they see me, they realize that it is I, who they have been looking for their entire life, and they become lusting beings when I am in their presence.
I have spoken less and less in public since the first letter. I just wanted to express myself by talking to people back then to ease myself back into society. Anyway, back to the women problem I have. Since everyone of them like me, Everyone of them act some kind of weird in some kind of way. Some are infatuated and do maneuvers around my vicinity to distract my attention towards them,. One lady threw herself down in front of me while walking with her husband and cried for me to help her while her husband looked at me and laughed. I looked at her and walked away saying nothing. Her pathetic husband in on the act. I am no crazy strangers super hero coming to their rescue. A girl, I never looked at her for like 10 minutes with her behind me while we waited for the one check out. I knew she was crushing so I never looked at her and by the time it was my time to check out, she was practically doing laps around me to try to get me to notice her. I never looked at her. She was literally buzzing around me while all of the other ladies who were checking me out in line watched her around me and me nonchalance to her crazed behaviors towards a beautiful baby boy. Like one they have never seen before. Everyday it is something.
spies – most women, at mimimum, if they have any interest, it is one of intrigue of me. Maybe it is my hair. I do stand very straight and I breath heavy through my nose ion public expanding my chest cavity with the intake of air to my lungs. My cheek bones are alright. I know most women watch me when I pass them, and a lot of guys do to.
I have now approached the point in my life that if I, and I know because I have tested it and monitored it, If I talk to a woman, any woman, If I converse with her more that once, or if I open up about something, they can not help but start crushing on me. Everyone of them, old and young. The old ones gross me out. 30 year olds are cute still. Anyway, I dont look at anyone when I am out. I never let someone know that I saw them, if possible. They all hope that I look at them or talk to them. Some try to bump into me or smell me none the less. I do smell very good for a rugged man. But, I do dress, top notch. No even comes close to dressing as good as me. I dress up every time I go out in public. Boots and all. I look like a super model, the way I dress. I learned a lot from wardrobe in Hollywood. and shopping at 1000 thrift stores. My clothes collection only gets better every month. I only buy my clothes from the thrift store. And, I act like James Dean, To noncha to care.
creepers – guys trying to stand as close as they can to me to appear to be associated with me, guys who try to ram me with their shopping cart to gain my attention, this who becoming loud talkers as soon as a get near, shouting, pointing, explaining things I never pay attention to, They are NPC’s, as I pass by their world, As I, do me, in mine. I just step over to the side. I f the step too, then I acknowledge them to stop approaching. Politely. Creepy guys scare me. They are gross humans.
I dont talk to people or even make eye contact when I am in public. I am a lure to others, girls and guys. I watch them before they see me. then I watch from my side eye. women follow me, or course, the married ones seem to have a habit of sending their husband on a sudden mission when they spot me.
The creepier side, why I dont make eye contact, just like a beautiful girl, the guy who lurks. or keeps trying to inch their basket or their stance as close to me as possible without touching me. I can’t have friends, Everyone only has something to complain about. I am not about that. I dont not complain. I do not crumble. I live in my own world.
of all the famous poeple to have lunch with, Seal would have been a great pick back when he was starting out. he was reserved, and respectful. Yet knew his worth and status. and nothing flinched him from his focus, which for some reason, was me, whom he chose to sit down across from, and have lunch with. I remember just watfching him react to everyone around him. He wanted to show me how to be famous. He was very nice.
I know you live in your head just like me. I float in your head, with my face on a balloon that never leaves your sight, even when your eyes are closed. I know this, because you never leave my head space either. I see nothing else in my head, but you. which sucks. So, since I am now your face-balloon that you would never let go of, and you now walk with a blue balloon, I have decided that you, your face, will be a face-in-the-cloud that is always with me on a sunny day. Because I want to only have happy thoughts of the girl who carries my blue balloon. Honest truth.
I always thought that the male lead in the movie seemed to be like me. All of the good ones. And I wondered which one truly represents me of all of the good ones. which one would I say is me I would say is Randall ‘Pink’ Floyd. Oh, and how I try to represent myself in public – is James Dean. That’s good. Dreamy, yet very mysterious. But, soo confident in his own world.
You know why I chose “pink” as who I think I am on the silver screen? Because, not only does everyone like him, but he likes everyone, no matter what group he was in…he never changed. Not once. He took everything as it came and rolled with it never changing for the mood, person or environment, unfazed and undeterred by the outside. and he lived his most real, authentic self in the end with no regrets of who he was. He was Niether Dazed nor confused – Everybody else was. He was the only one who saw it for what it was, and rolled with it. He took his licks but didn’t give them back and was the best man in the end – the everyone wanted to be their friend, because he was the realist dude they ever met.
he was pretty cool. He was top notch, just like me.
That’s why I can’t have a girl friend. Any girl would just fall in love with me, and I can not have that in my life. I told my kids that If I literally talk to any woman they start crush’n on me like. No thanks.
I was always pretty bummed that you didn’t want me to know you. I always will be. I knew you more than you thought. That’s why I thought you were soo cute.
Since I told you that you are my sister, I need to tell you about my other two sisters that I now have. My 3 sisters.
I asked one cousin to be my sister, since my mom has considered her, her own daughter since she was born, which I think she is very very shy and she adores me. I am going to write her letters. So, that one, she asked if my other cousin could call me sometime and I said sure…Time goes by…
Monday – I finished mostly, kinda cleaning up the house after the better of five days of work. so I was feeling spring’y yet still as always…it just had think about what I was doing, I was writing this and I thought to my self, ‘I wish I had someone in my family who was close to me” thinking my new sister should reach out sometime this year, and right when I thought that, I heard a ping upstairs. I got a text from my other cousin, mentioned above, who is so excited because she lives in Seattle. We both can’t believe it. anyway, we are in the middle of texting for the first time while I write this and I am going to ask her to be my new sister too. the only thing I know about her is that she is a literal Dr. rocket surgeon of some sort. Which sounds like someone smart to talk to. Now, I am going from no one caring about me in my family to two new sisters. I am very excited to get a hug one again. until then…
Oh, that was sister number two and three, because I did say you were my sister. You would be #1. You are my silent sister, who always knows, and now I have another silent sister as well. you can’t anyway because I value your marriage. At least #3 is very excited to have me in her life. And, She only lives 2 1/2 hours away, in my favorite city! I literally went from thinking yesterday that I will never spend a holiday with anyone in my family again, bumm’n myself, to today thinking I have an entire new family of sisters. That is all I wanted anyway when my wifed died. That is all I thought. I needed some girls close to me. I have 2 cousins! They are both married so it will be fun. oh, the other one lives in Colorado.
Sunday – Somehow it worked out that each of my children stayed with a friend of theirs for the week so I was completely alone – all week. I wanted to write this while I am thinking about it. I just got home from picking them both up from Olympia. The only thing that I asked God for was to watch over my children and the families that they are staying with ‘while’ they (the respective families) are watching each of my children. I dont ask much from God, but I thought that was something good to ask for. Anyway, I pick up Daisy. I meet the family at a thrift store parking lot because they were picking up a peice of furniture. I thanked them, We say good bye. Me and Daisy walk to our car across the parking lot. I saw this, as soon as Daisy touched the door to the car and started to open it, I look up and turn my head to see the guy who just dropped my daughter off crash pretty gnarly into another car. And, I watched it happen. It was like a movie. I freak out over it I start driving around in the parking lot to contain myself. I knew what that meant, It was no coincident. I dont believe in coincidences. The sign I took from it was this. and I knew this instantly and its why it freaked me out, I asked for God to protect them while Daisy was in their care. The instant she was not in their care anymore – they lost His protection and crashed. very, very weird. I told Daisy, I have seen a lot of crazy things that I know that God was showing me, but that one. freaked me out. And, I dont get freaked out that much from that kind of stuff.
I had to drive to a parking lot across the street to sit there to try to gather myself.
Daisy wanted KFC so I drive her there. I go inside because I wanted sit down and compose myself outside the car for bit after that. I order Daisy’s food and literally right when I put my credit card in the chip reader a stainless less shelf thing falls over behind the counter right by the guy taking my order and crashed down like an avalanche. I was like ‘what the heck’. So, then I had to compose myself from that because I knew that the two were related. Oh, and I thought on the way to pick up my children, I thought a gu, dressed dark in a hoody contemplated jumping in front of my car out of nowhere on the state highway. It was weird, he came out of nowhere and seemed to spin around like he pulled himself back right when I saw he. Then I watched in my rearview to make sure the person behind me didnt hit him. they didnt. I spent the next miles thanking about him catching into my windshield. It was odd. I’m glad that my car wasn’t chosen for his suicide mission.
I only thought about that because I was thinking what would or what was the third event. I asked God before we drove home to protect me because I did not want to be the third event. I remembered the above and I convinced myself that was the first of the three events. I think it was as far as I know. I made it home safe, but I was nervous the whole time.
I drove the entire way home from Olympia, white knuckling it, just wanting to get home unscathed. I laid in bed a for a few ours thinking about what happened and why my reaction was so immediate. This is what I came up with: I was a few feet from Daisy. I was soo happy to see my baby again. anyway, she grabbed the door handle, begins to open it. My eyes go from that, to a random car across the parking lot. 1/2 a second later, the car they are in hits, right were I am looking. Those 2 seconds, from Daisy to the accident, was what freaked me out.
I thought that night for a few hours about how it was about you. And I remembered the very last thing I said to you in my first letter, may God place a ring of fire around you and your family to protect you from the darkness that tries to bring you down. I asked God to protect you. I ask Him everyday. I always will.
maybe one day, I will be able to afford an apartment in NYC since I am going to be by myself the rest of me life. I want to move me and the kids to Destin, Fl. within the next 3-5 years. ASAP. I want to trade the rain for the sun shine state. I could do some surfing. I could do whatever. I want to be by a boardwalk with music and fresh fish off the boats so I can learn to cook it from the fishermen. I can only dream.
I just finished my Friday workout…
I am heading to Olympia top take the kids on a day trip. I will try to finish your letter on Sunday.
I am having so much trouble finishing this letter because I considered you my best friend in the entire world and would have done any for you and would have asked you to marry me, I loved you that much, and you loved me that much but wanted me to play a fantasy of you doing guys around me and being ok with other dudes hanging out or something or whatever. You could do that with ex number 2 and so on. You stabbed me in the heart too many times for them to have been accidents with no apologies for your behavior towards me. Just pretend it didnt happen. I still cry for the girl I knew because she was awesome. But, her other side won. Her head, not her heart. I lost the second she won. I lost everything. my sense of self, my purpose, my heart, my belief in people that I trusted, and the girl I loved more than anything in this world, who ultimately betrayed me but asked me to be her friend.
I had to find myself, who I was by myself, just like I must today. That is why I said it is de ja vu. I am just wiser.
I will keep writing this letter until it is complete.
I am having trouble finishing this letter because it troubles me.
I knew a beautiful girl, once upon a time, who was wonderful. But, then, she turned on me and, poof, disappeared to come back with a new pair of boobs, an announcement of her dumping of me because she wanted to be with anyone else for the arrival of her new life. Poof. like that. Her brand new boyfriend she had been cultivating behind my back was proclaimed. I was out, and he was in.
Something really weird happened with her, and I am still freaked out about it and it left me in permanent shock with lifelong PTSD. With never an apology, all I knew was that she had sex with the dude she dumped me for, to see me each time for three years after being thrown away. Nothing turns your stomach faster than knowing that the girl you gave your heart too can’t get enough of other dudes. And, that was as gross a thing anyone could do to someone who they claimed they loved. Her mom taught her well. And, her dad would have been as ashamed as I was of who she turned out to be, in her loose ways. She sold herself to him for a pair of boobs. She sold me out, ‘like a used car’, and gave up her heart for attention from all and any dude that looked her in the eyes. I have said it was gross 10,000 times, I have also said it was weird 10,000 times and I have also said it sucked 10,000 times. Because it did. You just messed with me while you messed with any other dude too. Lots of them. I presume. Which is totally gross and disgusting. Every single day of my life, from the day you announced your new life to me, every single day, at least once a day, I felt like I was going to puke over who you became. Every day until I sent you the letter after my wife died. That’s how gross it was.
I knew I would not take you back as soon as you told me about your new life. But, my heart told me, ‘if she is going to do something this crazy and flip a switch to become someone else, then she would become hysterical and psychotic if I stopped talking to her completely, right away. That’s why I gave you three years more. I just watched you do whatever you did each time to try to hurt me, in total disgust. You didn’t even deserve to know anything about what was going on in my life or what my future plans were. I wasn’t really your friend, even though you stalked me. Did bong Juan stalk me too? You too were wrapped up tight together. It was gross. That’s why I didn’t even tell you good bye. You didn’t even deserve that. And, I was the best thing that ever happened to you. What the heck???
After all of that, I gave you the chance to make right and invite me to see you in NYC, which didn’t seem like to much to ask if you actually took me seriously, because, after all, it’s what your mouth told me you wanted. I knew you wouldn’t invite me the second I asked you to. I moved on that instant. I don’t think I looked at you again. I certainly didnt talk to you again. You went back to your life with any other dude. Just as I knew you would in total grossness. Any dude, but me, for the rest of your life. That’s was your choosing, not mine.
Just know this, my heart wanted it to be you. I wanted you to have my babies. I wanted to do everything with you. You didnt choose me anymore the moment you through yourself to bong Juan. He owned you. He bought you from me. You sold your soul to him. And, I got to sit in your silence and I grew better.
You did everything with anyone else and left me with scraps, ‘if I wanted’. You became the used car. You took me to a pharmacy to pick up a prescription for your vagina, when you picked me up to see me when you were living in NYC one time, because of something you picked up from having sex. You did many, many things that I could not believe. But your ultimate intent, for what ever reason, was to hurt me, always. That was the first time I cried for you.
My heart still sinks and I cry for you because my heart will always love you and want to see you be awesome in life. And, smile. I am the only guy in the world who doesn’t care to look at your beautiful face. I can’t. I don’t have to. It is etched in my forever head. I know you love me like I love you. We would have gotten married. (I would have cried when I saw you in your wedding dress) and had beautiful babies. And, I would have been excited to wake up with you everyday of my life, for the rest of my life, including today.
That’s why I chose my wife. She didnt sleep around or have a wondering eye or seek, constant male attention. I could fully trust her because she fully loved me, only, till death had us part. I did not have one doubt, in my head, about my wife. I was her world and she was mine. I went on my first date with her, 20 years ago today, new year’s eve 2006.
And yet, I still I cry for you, right now. I ask God to protect you every day, in my prayer.
I am still in everything in you. When you drive, when you eat, when you work, when are talking to people. I am still there. You are still here with me.
Deep down in my heart, I think you felt more deeply for me than any one in the world and that petrified you, back we touched. I touched you in a way that no one else did or ever could. You told me you didnt like the way I had sex with you, years on in, out of the blue. All I did was have this overwhelming urge to impregnate you because I loved you soo much and that made me happiest of all, being with you. I went from the most in love I will have even been in my life, to completely devastated because you went and cheated and satisfied yourself with someone else because you came back a different girl after that. You showed me. I never kissed you again. The last time our lips touched was new year’s eve Y2K (the anniversary of our last kiss, which coincides with the first kiss with my future wife, at the stroke of midnight on new year’s night) As you stated when you dumped me, “we were never getting back together.’ All I ever did was show you love and dignity because I knew no other way to be with you. It was the way God made me for you. You wanted to have my babies too.
Not that any of what I am saying would have changed your mind from dumping me, but I thought over the years that if I were me back then, today, there are three things I would have done different with you. I would have held your hand every now and again, I would have hugged you a little longer, with intent, and I would have kissed you in a way you would never forget, more...and, I just thought while I was working out, I might have called you more to check in on you, because, after all, your were my favorite friend. (I keep coming back to that sentence. I think that is why I am writing this for you even though I was mean.) of all the living, you will always be my favorite friend, talking or not.
On the flip side of you, I knew you would not find anyone better than me. My heart hurt the most because of how little respect you really had for me even though I would have given my life for you. You chose the cowards route of life. Cheat, lie and sneak away, it’s the easy way to end it. Stab me in the heart as hard and as many times as possible to rid me of your life. Put all of your pain on someone else, anyone else so you don’t have to feel it by pretending it’s not happening. or never happened. It happened. All of it. Your plan worked to rid me of your life. Of all the people I have known in my life, your personalty shifted the most. Which, is why I remained your friend. You became soo fake trying to be cool. I was the only real friend you had and you pissed me down the toilet for the sake of fvcking, like a sport. I told myself from day one after you dumped me for bong Juan, ‘she’s too cool for me.’ And, I was right with my intuition. You became everything that I did not like in a girl. The opposite of whom you were with me. It gave me the ick.
you demanded…”People change!”
I said…’I guess.’
It was by far, the weirdest thing I have witnessed in my life how you changed into a nasty person.
I Didnt change. I Won’t. I like who I am. And, you liked who I was too. I liked who you were too. I will always like you. I can’t not like you. I can be mad at you though.
All I thought was that usually, people change for the better, not worse. Your personality from the 20 year old to the last time you called me, which you were probably 25, from continuous partying with dudes, There was nothing there anymore, in you. You became hollow, shallow and completely self absorbed to the point were could not even hold an adult conversation anymore. You got what you ultimately wanted though, freedom from me. I got your message of silence loud and clear and never talked to you again. You got what you wanted. An easier life without the issue of me, being in your life, so you could do, any dude, any time you wanted. I was so disappointed in you. I always thought you were better than that.
I know your husband loves you. He has too. Thank God. You better love him with all you got. Because, he is, all you got. I know he makes you feel safe. That is all I ever wanted for you. For you to feel safe, to feel relaxed and love your life. God gave you your husband for that.
But, as Willie sings…”you (w)are always on my mind…” It’s true. God made it so. Just as I am, on your mind.
I have to shift gears…
I told my brother and I will tell you, that after my wife died I thought about what it would be like in heaven and thought that I would like to sing in God’s choir, after I die, and I go to Heaven. After that, I started to practice a little bit, and now I sing in my car 30 minutes to an hour a day. 1/2 the days of the week. anyway, I can sing several songs pretty good now, almost perfect. I sing one everyday at my computer. O just sang it and now I am writing this. I have one song I sing. It means the most to me, Riley Green. I did just realize that he sings another song from a while back that I will learn to sing too, ‘there was this girl’.’ I just looked it up to see if you could figure out which song I sing. I cry sometimes after I sing it. I sing it to you.
Elliott told me yesterday that I looked fat. I have been pretty moody getting through the holiday’s alone, with only my thoughts. He is right, I just weighed myself and I guessed 170 lbs and I was 170 lbs. 5 pounds of blub. Not muscle, I have been eating a frozen pizza and a bag of potato chips a night plus other munchies to sustain my holiday gloom. Since it is the anniversary of kisses past, tonight, this New Year’s Eve, I will eat one more frozen pizza before I go to bed, alone, to be a better man tomorrow when I wake up in the next year.
I am writing this to tell you something…
My New Year’s resolution, even though I do not believe in them, is to make sure that I remember to smile everyday and that I remembered that I did smile and was happy that day. Hopefully, over time I will become more happy, because right now, I cry because I’m lonely and growing all by my lonesome, while, I raise a 12 and 13 year old who choose to push my limits, instead of compliance. I need to work on my patience in that department because I told Daisy that I would not yell at them, in anger, when they provoke me, in 2026. Zen Matt ’26!
My New Year’s Day ’26 picture, I couldn’t smile for it. I did smile before it, though. Do I have the 1000 yard stare? I think I do. I have been through a lot.
twice in my life, my heart has been ripped out of me by the one who held it. One, did it on purpose, one, had no choice, and died. But, no matter, I was left with a blank stare, in both eyes. I’m a better man with two black eyes. I can take it. I never backed down from a fight my entire life. I fought it out. I will always fight for my life, one day at a time.
By attempting to destroy my heart, on purpose, you woke up something in me, the man in me. I took ownership of myself. Too bad you didn’t want to know me. you messed with me instead, to let me know where I stood, last in line while any other dude itched your scratch.
My motivation has always been, if I needed a push all I had to do was think of what you were doing at that moment and I knew it would be something with some dude. I knew that you were having sex with someone, always. (As a side note, I have thought about how many dudes you have been with over the years and my guess is that it is around 200. STDs??? – the scraps I would have gotten) And, the scene you set at your graduation for all to see that has never stopped replaying in my head. One of the most vile things I have ever been invited to witness by a so called friend. Thank God it was me instead of your dad that showed up for you that day. That was the last time I showed up for you. I did make you a frame, from my heart because I knew you were leaving and I knew I would always love you.
I go from knowing that I loved you more than anything, everyday I think this, to being emotionally bothered by how you turned out and treated me. You turned into an unapologetic macho dude. I walked away from you because that sweet girl was gone, stuck on anyone else. But, aways thinking it was me she was doing it with. Doesnt want me, but goes through life looking for me, trying to make who ever she is doing, me.
You just wanted to escape me without a scratch on your ego, That is emotional manipulation with the intent of putting the scratches on me at all cost to save yourself from reflecting on your behaviors. Therefore although my heart hurts for you, I will have no problem using you the way you used me and hurt me with a purpose – to make me hurt so I knew you were hurting me.
Being kind to you got me nowhere, but sh!t on. I never have forgotten that. I want to remember the sweet girl, but I only remember the mean one and what she did to me, with the intention of causing me pain, on purpose. I still feel that pain today, like it was yesterday. Although your actions left me with a permanent scare and a fractured psyche, you did get to be with any one else you wanted, and took advantage of every opportunity, every weekend, every vacation. Every opportunity. Surely, inviting many, many dudes to see visit you in NYC. Except one. it was gross.
They say that PTSD from infidelity, which is what you did to me when you cheated on me with bong Juan to start your new direction in. life without me, is the equivalent, if not worse than combat trauma. I still have PTSD everyday, At least, he saved you from me. I was never the same from the damage caused. I didn’t let anyone close to me after you. I was busy pulling the knives out of my back that you stabbed in my heart as you made sure that I witnessed your sudden transformation into whoredom.
I was dependable, I answered quickly, I showed up because I cared, I listened and reassured, I remained stable and I treated you the best I could. I got flushed down the toilet for being a good guy.
that is why I am upset, you caused me to always care for you, mad, or in love. Why me??? I cry for you like you have cried for me, still to this day, I love you, like you love me – we have the same heart. Your heart wants to tell me something too. because, I was your favorite and I touched you in a way that no one else ever could. I touched you like you touched me, on a deep soul level. I will miss you everyday of my life, just like you miss me with all of your being everyday of your life. I still talk to you by myself and sing to you in my car. I really really liked you.
why do I cry for you today? I know you have always wished you could go back in time to a day that you could hold me, again, forever.
I am torn 25 years later because I gave you my heart and you destroyed it on purpose and that still bothers me to this day, everyday. I have thought about it for 25 years how you giggled it off with no apologies as if nothing happened to me, by your actions. But I still remember what you did. Everything. Every moment you tried to con me while acting innocent. So what I have come up with, for my life moving forward is this, what you did has effected me so bad, like I said, you gave me PTSD, SHOCK the moment I wake up everyday of my life that you are gone, that I have decided to use you as an example of the modern woman, today’s feminist, for my life’s mission work for God. Because, just like you were in the 2000’s all girls have turned disgusting in their looseness and think they hold the power by spreading their legs for any willing swinging participant. But as you learned from me, men really hold the power. You just wanted someone easier that would let you get away with your behaviors so you dumped me for a sex chump who would pay, say and do everything for you, selling yourself out like a prostitute…It’s pretty gross…A girl can not be a lady and a prostitute at the same time.
I used to have a dream. Every night, a nightmare, really. After you broke up with me. I could not sleep at night, I could not fall asleep I was soo traumatized, that when I did finally fall asleep I would dream this: I was sitting in a room with a group of people. I was in a chair. on one side of the room. And I was sitting there alone, and you would enter, I guess, from somewhere, and you would come over and sit down next to me, and I’d be happy. And we’d talk. Like we always did, we’d be happy. Then, In the middle of the conversation, this was my dream every night. Of us being happy and talking together and sitting next to each other, you would get up and run across the room. and jump on some other dude’s lap. And you’d sit on his lap just like the picture you took of on your porch of you and your husband, And you would look right at me, and you would start whispering in his ear. giggling and you would say to him “Can you believe that he thought that he actually had a chance to get back together with me!” And you would start laughing together. And, then you’d start making fun of me by telling him things about me. And that’s how my night went every night until I met my wife. You didn’t care what you put me through. And, my dream? It turned out to be true.
Anyway, that’s why I wanted to puke everyday of my life and now have a life mission after thinking about it for many years now…You are my inspiration for what is to come! Why should I care what you go though? You seem to like dishing out punishment.
Men don’t need women. But, women need men…
My future plans begin now…
I think you would be amazed at the man I turned out to be. There’s no one like me, even though I cry a lot. If I could just smile…I know I’m awesome. I Thank God everyday for making me, me. You should too, prettiest of girls. I will second my own motion.
I have to finish this letter to you. I am really torn up and need to heal myself, my heart. I am crying way too much, and not smiling enough.
I owe it to you to proof and edit what I have written to you so far. Half of it probably doesn’t make sense. My brain works different. I want this to mean something. I think I was too mean to you. My heart swings wildly ’cause of you. I know your heart swings for a precious boy, who is writing you now.
This much is true: you will always be drawn to me and I will always be drawn to you. It was written in the stars. Resistance is futile because it is out of either one of our hands and in the realm of the Universe. If Einstein’s quantum entanglement, which he called “spooky action at a distance”. a phenomenon where two or more particles become linked, sharing a single quantum state, so that measuring a property of one instantaneously influences the corresponding property of the other, regardless of the distance between them. If that is true of simple molecules in God’s Universe, then if every molecule in two people’s beings that are tied, because energetically that is who each persons body and soul is stuck to then there is no escaping it. It’s monumental. I need to word that better. 1/2 way there… The Quantum Entanglement of two human soul mates…there is no stopping it. I will never give up on me, I will never give up on you. I Can’t.
I tried to smile for some pictures after my workout last night…
not a smile…
1/2 a smile. It was the best I had.
I took a portrait, after I changed.
I am a born again virgin since my wife died. And, will remain such. The irony is that every woman wants me and I don’t want any of them. I will not date, kiss or fraternize with any woman on a sexual nature. 1. I have young children, although they do want a mother, 2. I will not marry any other girl again. Only one. And, I hope she remains married for the rest of her life to her husband who takes care of her. Besides, I have a mission and need no girl to bother me. I need my manhood! I am strong! I need no girl falling in love with me, messing with my heart. My heart is set in stone.
I am going to be a Prince, I have decided. The most eligible Prince, that can not be had. A prince for Good and decency. A prince for what is right in a man. What a real, authentic man looks like, for God. I need to study on what it means to be a Prince. An All American Prince. I don’t think there is one right now. Just like you, I always look super cute.
I am doing more taking pictures of myself than finishing this letter to you. f I need to finish it to move forward. Here are more after workout pictures…
I smiled with Pepper. I Thank God everyday in my prayer to Him for my artistic/creative abilities. I got the eye.
And, the loner ‘tude. I am my only model. So, another picture of me, in solitude.
168 lbs.
Thou shalt not covet another man’s wife. Ever since my wife died, actually since her vagina “turned to wood” as her Dr. described it, 5 years before she passed away from her brutal radiation treatment, I am a born again virgin and have no desire to be with any other woman again. My heart is taken. It belongs to me, God and the four I hold in my heart. I desire nothing else.
I know we were not supposed to be together. But, that does not mean that I will not miss you every second of my life until I am here no more. It is the way God made it, for what ever reason. I have given up trying to figure out, why I still care so deeply about you to this day.. I always will. Just like you, will always care about me. You doinked me just like I doinked you. Forever, doinked together.
I will always love you and you will always love me…I make you flutter…
If I was not 100% certain how you felt about this matter I would not waste my time expressing my heart to you. You have convinced yourself over that years that, no matter what, i must feel the same way about you that you do about me. Because you knew that when you had me. And, that was never going to change. The only reason that I am writing this is today is because of when you gave me the journal before my European trip and you said that you ‘loved me.’ I said, just like my childhood idol, Han Solo, ‘I know you do.’ He would have been proud of me the way I treated you like Princess Leah. I didn’t even know I did the ‘Hans’ on you, until I watched Star Wars again, last year. Anyway, I knew you meant it from your heart. What I didn’t know was if you planned on telling me you loved me to fish for a story in my journal you gave me to read later or if it actually just slipped out from your heart. I thought about that the entire trip. I knew you loved me. But I also knew you wanted to read that journal when I got back to discover how I felt. You went silent, so I wrote nothing. So, I write you now, Princess Leah. I really consider you Snow White, though. I consider you, most Precious of all. I always will. My thoughts go on forever, for her. that petite, international, uptown girl.
All the girls love me
because there is no one like me. ‘
Where did he come from?’
I see there thoughts spin in their minds…
But, they get paid no mind.
I am a fine reserve.
And, shall wait patiently,
for what? I suppose, for what i deserve.
Jan 20 2026 8:00PM – I. sang better than I ever have today but I have been crying non stop all day. I’m flooded out. But, must work out.
I wish you wanted to know me.
Why is this letter so hard for me to finish? Because I have woken up, every single day of my life, for the past 26 years, to the sudden and immediate shock to my nervous system, the second I gain consciousness in the morning, that you’re gone. And, then I live that day, not the same.
I really liked you. In the past, I was mad. Now, I’m sad. I thought you were awesome. You will always be my inspiration to make it happen.
Am I stuck in the 19 hundreds? I know we are both where we are supposed to be in life according to God’s plan. You are married. And, I have a plan. But, I am scared to initiate it. Because, it is going to be a lot of work. Something that I’m not used, at all. I could not barely type 2 years ago and had forgotten how to read. Now, I have to push myself to work on something of passion. To actually put in hours towards my goal. Which, I know will happen if I do the work. I have a vision of me, buying a place in New York one day and paying cash for it, to live the rest of my life out there, hopefully with a terrace to drink my coffee, then go take a stroll down Stone St. then take the commuter ferry under Brooklyn bridge. I always wanted to live there. Because, just like you thought all along, I would love it. I can dream…
The only place I would have lived in L.A., where I wanted to live, because I lived next to it when I was in Brentwood, and road my bike through it, and was the most beautiful, hidden gem in L.A., but it burnt to a crisp, was the Pacific Palisades. It was such a beautiful place nestled in the big city. I would live there. There was only one way in and out from the beach, just past the Santa Monica pier down the PCH.
I’m glad that I think that I’m pretty.
I caught another girl filming me this morning, as I went by.
I want to spread love…And, be happy one day, This was me before my workout today…
This might be my favorite picture, from after my workout…
I took my loner ‘tude picture 2 weeks ago now. I have to finish this letter. Tomorrow I will be in Olympia with my children. I love them. I am tough on them. I am sending them to public school next fall. They don’t get very many hugs.
The Warrior!!!
The Snowflake…
I took a picture of me, as a snowflake last night, for your winter storm.
I will always feel your spirit and you will always feel mine…
I have to figure out how to get my dis-organized brain, organized..
I can’t help but think, in my snowflake time of self reflection, I remembered what I told you. And I think I have forgotten too, about me, that I said, ‘if I am an Angel, then you are too.” Because it’s true. I got to work out….I’m dumb and I sing to you every night. I have to tough’n up and stop crying. Two bonds that never stop pulling for the other. I know it has always been God’s plan where each of us are at in life. You are a living soul in all of my parts of my being. I can feel it…….but must remain apart….
Went shopping this morning, had to cut it short because I noticed a woman following me around in the store. I was looking at something on the shelf, I turn around and she was in my face. I was annoyed and said ‘excuse you’ as I walked away. Weird. I have some kind on lure or something ttat women literally become mesmerized when they see me. What ever. It’s annoying. Maybe it’s the kavorka. I know the same thing happens to you except that you are a precious little thang that just happens to be the cutest girl over 40, in the entire world. That is true. I dont have to look at you to know that. I can’t. You’re not mine. I don’t have to see you, to know you. I dont look.
I think I said this already, but I thank God everyday in my prayer to him for making me, me. Because it’s true. I would not want to be anyone else. I know deep down, you feel the same way about yourself. Even though you’re troubled. That’s for you to figure out. But, you should thank your lucky stars (God) for being created soo cute and perfect. I think you’re special.
This is what I know, because I just ran another errand and every time I go out in public, there is at least one woman who spazzes out. Like, spinning in circles trying to figure out what to do when I act like I am looking in their direction. I like to mess with ’em. Meanwhile, the other women who are watching me also watch this other woman watching me, acting a fool around me. It’s bizarre. You might have spazzed out around me too, come to think of it.
I started collecting revere ware pots and pans and I found a rare one today at the thrift store with a handle. I collect boots too. And, clothes. I’m just an $11 baby. I’m kind of a nerd. I always match.
Maybe I was the snowflake in the ice storm.
I have got to finish this letter. It’s been over a month. I want you to know that I never forget that you are married and your life is considered private to me. who you are with him is not my business. I dont want to know you. He know’s you. God made it so. I have to work out…
The Passionate.
I have become very passionate…
this is what
My teeth…
I stayed in your life until you didn’t need me anymore. I gave you 3 more years of my life. You wanted any other dude instead. You got ’em all, in the end, but one…The best one. I must move forward with my project against the modern feminist movement. You are my inspiration. Actually, the scene at your graduation that you set, and the time you invited me to brunch and began sexting someone the entire time I sat there with you, the moment you sat down at the table you flipped into some other person entirely, never looked up from your phone and grinned in delight while I sat there staring at you the entire time from the other side of the table. Surely you acted it out when you returned to your hide-away in the city thinking about me sitting there like a pathetic schlep. It was one of the most despicable things anyone has ever done to me. You asked me out, you picked me upjust to do that to me. I have never forgotten that moment, how you planned it out just to do it to see how I would react I suppose. I will never forget that. You are about to get your answer how I would react to that. I have permanent damage from it. Good luck…
I really can’t believe I stayed your friend as long as I did. I wasn’t your friend. Dont know if I ever was. Maybe I was just a pawn all along in your schemes. Like your graduation scene. That’s even more motivation to know that you were just one big lie. Your entire existence was a lie. You are a lier that’s for sure and will say anything to anyone to make yourself look better. I think I mentioned it earlier, but all I have ever had to do my entire life, when I needed to be motivated, was to think and know that you were in some other dudes arms at that moment. any time, I knew there was another dude in you. And, you were loving it. It is no wonder I felt like puking everyday of my life. I will carry your burden no more…
BTW, you sounded like 10 miles of bad road in your behind the mask video. How much drugs and partying and porn did you do? Dude? You showed me…It’s no wonder my heart is soo crushed. I loved you with all of it and paid the price for it. From the sounds of it, you paid the price too.
I still oscillate from love to disgust to love again. Thanks for that. It has made me very strong and a little tilted. Only God knows how many times you cheated on me. What I do know is that of all the ump-teen boyfriends you have had, you cheated on every one of them, including your husband. I would not be surprised if you’re cheating on him right now with someone you made eyes a little long with at your hosting job. Your gross. Just a guess of who you are today. That’s what you get with a fatherless daughter of a deranged mother. Anything goes at the expense of those around them. I do thank God, still to this day, for removing you from my life and introducing me to my wife. I met her something like 6 weeks after our last talk 2 minute talk that you just wanted to tell me you watched porn and were doing someone in Miami. My wife was everything that I ever hoped you would be, Who I thought you were until you flipped personalities and became unrecognizable to me – a dudette. I hope you got something out of my friendship to you. I really, really liked you. I wanted you to have my babies. I wanted you to find yourself and all you did is find yourself in bed with every dude you could do it with. You gave yourself no worth because it was easier and my heart shattered. To me, you were worth everything.
Like I said, you were precious to me. So, you screwed me over for it. I still have PTSD from it, everyday, traumatized for life. Now, I watched my wife died in front of my eyes too over the course of 6 years. 8 years later, here I am. Moving forward is painful. You wanted me to feel your pain for you so you didnt have too. I remember that. I’m still feel it. Hope it was fun for you. It wasn’t for me. It made me question why God ever wanted me in your life. I am the most confident guy around because of the gauntlet you put me through to remain in your presence. Nobody gets away with anything with me.
The curse of the beautiful woman is that every male that encounters her is intrigued. She knows this and takes advantage of this. Therefore every guy she dates, she thinks there is some other dude who is always better because they run their mouth to her and tell her that they are as they shoot their shot. She can never commit fully because she doesn’t think she has too. But in the end, no man will commit to her because of what I just said about her. And she never finds true love. and lives a shallow, hollow, loveless existence with only pleasure seeking to sustain her. Every good man sees this, and avoids her crudeness, not suckered by her beauty.
I believe so firmly in the institution of marriage that I am going to dedicate my life to the cause of proper marriage between husband and wife, the anti-feminist. The Good guy, who like all other good guys were royally screwed by the girl they gave their heart to. The one they supposed they would marry until they were each cheated on, just like you did me. Men are very upset about this situation that is occurring amongst every modern girl who just cheats when they are done with whomever they are dating. to move on to the next dude regardless of how the guy feels about it. We feel it. And, never forget it how we were crossed and betrayed by the very person we trusted the most as she laugh her way into her new life of betrayal fantasy. Introducing the modern feminist…
The modern woman is soulless by the time they are 30, and decide it’s time to husband shop, because of how many dudes they openly laid down for before their ultimate suitor they where their white dress for. All guys are finally realizing what I have been thinking about for 26 years. And, I have a lot to say about it, how I was treated and such and why I am the way I am. You remember all the things you did to me for fun, at the expense of my pain, right?
I remember every night that I go to bed alone. I would tell you about my dream I used to have about you when I still knew you, but…It was true all along. I dreamt it every night, and therefor could not fall asleep, and when I did, I would have this dream and then wake up is a sudden cold sweat and panic to the sudden realization that you are gone.
Everyday I did not want to go to bed because you would haunt me in my dreams. Did you watch me while I slept. Did you sneak into my house? Anyway, in this dream, I would be sitting in a chair in a room with others sitting around it. Like a party. I would be sitting there by myself and you would come and sit down beside me. We would talk like old times. You know, like we liked each other as friends, then you would get up and sprint across the room and hop on some dude’s lap and he would look at me while you whispered in his ear, identical to your porch picture with your husband. Anyway, you would giggle in his ear and look at me and say, ‘can you believe that he actually believed that he had a chance of getting back together with me?” then you would laugh together and make fun of me. That’s when I would wake up from my dream to realize that girl is gone forever having to catch my breath from shock of it all..
Everyday I had that dream until I met my wife. It turns out the dream was true all along. Like I said, you were just messing with me. It was gross.
you turned out to be anything but a princess. Wicked, was more like it. I wlll never forget how you planned out and calculated how you were going to hurt me when you were going to see me. I have never had any one cross me like you did, with purpose to inflict mental harm on me. It worked. I still feel the wounds everyday of my life. I want the best for you but don’t care if you get hurt from your own doing.
I do hope that you got cheated on a few times and dumped just like you did to me.
Yet, I pray for God to protect you every day of my life. Because I will always love you and you will always love me. That’s why.
I wish, and, I dont wish, I wish, you would have wanted to really know me long ago. I never wanted to be mad at you. I was left no choice and I don’t want to be. I want happy thoughts of you. I want to think of you smiling, for real. You better not hate yourself. I can’t do nothing but feel something in my heart for you. That’s why I said you suck. You make me soo mad. still. That’s why I work out so hard. Pump myself up. You only wish you could see me. That I know.. I would be sweet. Of course I would. I have never been mean to you, besides this letter. And, you know I tell you the truth. You tested me so I know you know that I’m the most honest person you ever knew. Because you were #1 to me and I valued you as a friend. You just watched me from afar. I wi;sh you would have watched with me, not at me. Perv. If it was any one else that I knew that stalked me I would feel violated, but for some reason with you I think it’s enduring because you are the cutest after all. You really did love me! If I was who I am now, before you broke my heart, I would have never let you go and held on tight to you, as one. Everyday. Morning. and Night.
You are my number one fan and I am your number one blue eyed beauty. This is true. I would not have spent my entire adult life trying to decipher the reasons behind your behavior if I did not genuinely care about your best interest from the bottom of my heart. Because, after all, I just wanted to help you to be awesome. Or, maybe, to help show you that you already were.
You’re a black magic woman who tried to make a devil out of me. I put a spell on you instead, to make you dream of me…Forever!!! Black jack, no trade backs.
I need to finish this letter to start the 2nd part to my life.
I guess I had to be broken completely to pick myself up again and build myself back up to stand erect, once more. I am firm, minus the frozen pizzas I keep eating.
I hope you don’t drink too much. I haven’t drank since I moved from l.A. 20 years ago to live with my wife. Your life is your life. And, the party never ends…I want to remind you that I like your precious heart. A lot. The most of all..in all of actually.
I am the most confident because of you. I am the most spiritual because of my wife. There is no one like me. You should hear me sing. I practice every single day.
I told myself that I would not post any more pictures of my self.
One more – Matthew on Mt Rushmore. Or, is it Matt Rushmore?
I need to finish this letter. For God. For me. For you. I can wait no longer…
Matt Rushmore 2.0…I might be the man in the moon…
I know when you think about romance, It’s all about me that makes your thoughts race. Because I’m a genuine gem. Just like I know you are. Underneath that shell of yours. I have exposed your sweetness before. I liked it more than you did. I think you did like it. I know you liked it. I saw it in your rosy sweet cheeks. A glimpse of tenderness...
I would say to you that I hope you have had a good life without me but I dont think that you have. I really hope that I took the brunt of the pain for you. I’m the one who wakes up alone everyday. I still cry because all of my thoughts go back to you. I was spit in half, half my life ago.
Not one day has passed in my life that I have not thought about you. You have done everything you could to have a day that you did not think about me. That’s why I can not accept anything but the best thoughts for you. From me, and from you. I might be very upset with you, but you will always get my best thoughts for you. I can’t help it. Life’s not fair. Even if I wake up alone the rest of my life, I will think of your pretty little face with a smile on it, everyday.
Do you listen to what God tells you? I know you think about it. Your better judgement has always been there for a reason. You know that. You just dont want to think about it. I hope, in my prayers, that you listen to what your heart tells you, not what your brain constructs, wanting you to feel it, instead of believing in your future self to live it. I always believed in your future self. Because, I know what your heart tells you. I didn’t show up at your graduation looking for the past, I was there because my heart told me to be, so I did it, for the same reason I write this letter today, I will always care about the condition of your heart.
I do thank God every day for making me cute with a personality that I like. I like me, a lot. And, I can sing now. Maybe I always could, I just didn’t know it. I never knew the words to any songs. Now I practice everyday…
I know what it is, I stop women in their tracks when I move through their world. in that moment of real manhood.
I started learning French yesterday…
God has given me the ability to understand how you think, the ability to reconstruct your inner world, your thoughts, motives and emotions. Why? I don’t know. Something for you.
I have to finish this letter. My birthday is in 5 hours and can stall no longer. Elliott starts his first day of public school tomorrow, in the eight grade, to start our next chapter of our lives on the West Coast. Daisy starts a week from Monday in the 6th grade which is still at the elementary school. They are both very excited.
I’m the best boy in the world…
I have to start writing another letter tomorrow, to someone else. This one must get finished. I wanted to say one more thing before I move on. I always thought, the only way the two of us would have ended up together for the long term was if we were stuck in a sleeping bag together, completely zipped up with no way out. We would have to lie there in physical close quarters and would have to grow on. each other. then I thought, we would just both turn our backs the other way for our own sake. So then I thought, the only real way it would have happened is if our foreheads, our heads, were saran wrapped together so that we had to stare each other in the eyes. Stuck there, we would have both eventually realized that the person that each of us was staring at was who we were supposed to be staring at. In each other’s eyes, forever. Eventually, we would have both had to submit to the other and would have wondered how we ever lived without the other.
Mar 2 2026 now that we are at war for false biblical pretenses, I must finish this letter ASAP. I got to do what I got to do. I have thought since I first looked at your picture that you and your husband should get a cabin out in the sticks just in case you need to get away from what might come. Be safe and, be good. It might come sooner than later. My heart is with you. I will finish this letter soon…
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