I hit the wall

Only God’s power is stronger than darkness.

I am sobbing because I miss my friend. I really miss her and I’m stuck. I feel like I’m paralyzed and can’t move and I stopped doing basic things because I couldn’t physically get myself to do them. I mentally blocked myself from doing it. It’s a condition I need to get over. I cannot be moving forward if I stagnate and sabotage myself for nothing. I let the house go so bad that the kid said that it made a cup of milk turned to cottage cheese. That’s gross. I stopped cleaning, cooking and caring about the house and crawled into bed and couldn’t wait to go to sleep.

I was supposed to write about Angela’s six-year battle with cancer and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even open my computer for the entire month. I watched every day go by knowing I didn’t write anything, each day knowing that I’m one day closer to when my assignment is supposed to be done, but couldn’t move, even though I knew I wouldn’t be able to complete it. Almost as if I was self-sabotaging myself by making sure that I fail for no other reason than to be a failure to myself because I didn’t try nor give it a chance. I don’t know why I do this. I recognize it. I don’t try to not let it happen. Elliot told me I need to get help because all I do is sleep and get mad at them. I will only cook easy foods for them. That’s not right. That’s not fair.

This is the first time I’ve sat down to write this month’s blog. I’m going to have to write it in one day. My writing is getting better and I’m able to express myself and pen a little easier the more I write. I know writing about Angela’s journey through all of her traumatic experiences is going to be very emotional for me, but so is everything that I write about. That is why I forced myself do it. To truly express myself and to cry over what I need to cry over and release it, And try to feel better about it. and move forward and be done with it.

But, It’s more than procrastination. It’s an overwhelming sense that I cannot move and that I am frozen…and..,just let it happen, knowing that, in time I will not be able to complete it, only to be disappointed with myself and the outcome that I knew was coming all along because I could not make myself move mentally. my brain walls itself off to self-sabotage mode. I let it happen to be upset about it instead of just doing it and getting it over with and being happy. It only makes me unhappy with myself. I have to figure out what it is that ‘blocks’ me from wanting to move forward and why I self-sabotage myself.

I didn’t make a to do list this month and it was very difficult to do basic things. I might’ve went backwards and regressed this month as a result of me being inconsistent and feeling sorry for myself. Everything feels like it’s in chaos, not peace. it’s an uneasiness instead of happiness. I know it’s not right and it’s not who I am nor how I want to be. if I am in chaos then I am not being true to myself. Where is God if I am in chaos? I am neglecting him, and I get what I deserve.

I know the person I see myself becoming and I really like him, but my mind wants to self sabotage myself from achieving greatness. Maybe it’s the fear of change or the fear of commitment or the fear of achieving something great, but what I do know is that how I see myself as a person aligned with my God is the greatest and best version of myself I can be. My true self of what I hold in my heart,

I know I have a separation disorder. I’ve gone through a very traumatic experience suffering immense loss, but I ca not let that be what defines me. My strength defines me. That’s what shows my true character. When I do not make God a focus in my life, I always seem to drift away from my inner peace and happiness to an unhappy and unpleasant place. It is true that God is love. So, that means my priorities are not in alignment with Him and what is best for me. They’re in disarray like my chaotic life.

I choose peace over chaos.

I choose kindness over meanness.

I choose love over hate.

I choose truth over lies, but

maybe being frozen is the reason to write about it and think about it and learn to understand myself on a deeper level. It’s just another step in the growing and healing process. I have experienced every emotion in every extreme and I am ready to usher in a future of peace and tranquility.

My mind has been in dread of the past, not hope of the future, making my thoughts and feeling negative, not positive. It put me in a foul mood, which is gross and unnecessary and sad. There is no doubt about it, I let myself drift from my God. I get a new life and I forget he exists? That is not right. It’s all because of him that I have this life. It’s a disgrace to him and to myself for letting it happen. Please help me God to be strong and to have courage and to help push me to be the best version of myself for you. Please, help me.

I do work out every day and have since Angela died. It’s the one thing I have not moved away from too much. I’ve had a few weeks that I have struggled to do the workouts, but other than that I work out every day and I am feeling good. I am finally getting strong and lean and straight and erect. I look like an athlete again. That’s positive. I am getting stronger every day. I can tell each time that I am stronger than before. I feel like my body is one solid strong muscle. I have come a long way considering I could barely lift my own body weight when I started 15 months ago hunched over and atrophied from being bedridden with my wife for years. My body was at its weakest state of my life upon her death. I was broken mentally and physically. I just try to be consistent. if I miss a day or have a cheat day, don’t let that bother me.

I’m disciplined in my eating for the most part drinking mostly liquid protein shakes as my main food source. I do like to indulge myself with good food ever now and then when the kids want something. I Don’t mind cheating every once in a while. Moderation is the key. I would like to learn to cook good food one day especially if I remodel my kitchen. Then, I would have to use it.

I’m consistent in my workouts. I created a workout for myself and that seems to be really working. I consistently show up and look forward to my workouts every day. I do 30 minutes hardcore. I am drenched when I’m done. I cry afterwards sometimes. I am a total mess. I push myself to my limits physically I get my heart rate at a rapid pace and I’m dripping sweat. soaking wet, to physical exhaustion to feel great for the rest of the day and be strong and proud of myself for pushing through it.

I feel like I’m finally getting strong and youthful and agile again. Before, when Angela was dying and I was her caregiver, I didn’t barely move for two years and was weak and old and broken. That was to be and I wouldn’t change anything for her. I fell apart for her because she fell apart and that was the only way we were to be. We were one and I would do it again every time. I would die for her. I knew I could recover after she was gone. She would never recover, and that made me sad, so now I push forward without her, for her.

I have started taking the kids a couple times a month to different thrift stores to start building their awesome wardrobes. Daisy’s very excited about trying on her clothes. I am teaching her about different styles and how they look on her. It’s fun. She looks very cute playing dress up all day long.

For Elliot, I am building a classic gap style ensemble. Classic Americana. Not only is he the best-looking boy around but he’s the best dressed too.

Since I am a professional thrifter I know a thing or two about clothes. my wardrobe is starting to come along. None of us had any new clothes for a long time when Angela was sick, so it is fun for us to build our lives around our clothes. I am starting really build layers in my outfits.

My hair is as long as my beard now and looks awesome. I have been growing it for 2 1/2 years. I like having long hair. It separates me from everyone else. I wear it down naturally. It looks awesome. I better like it since I will never have short hair again.

I feel like I’m finally I feel like I’m getting strong and youthful and agile again before when Angela was dying, and I was her care caregiver and didn’t move for two years I was weak and old and broken. That was to be and I wouldn’t change anything for her. I fell apart for her because she fell apart and that was the only way we were to be. We were one and I would do it again every time. I would die for her. I knew I could recover after she was gone. She would never recover, and that made me sad, so now I push forward without her.

I make myself talk to someone everywhere I go and it’s starting to pay off. I really try to talk to girls as much as possible. I know I’m happier because everybody I talk to likes me. I am thankful to God that he made me a happy agreeable person with an easy disposition. I am very rational and very attuned to my surroundings and my ability to read people. Only a lie gets by me. that is why I do not allow liars in my life. I live my life with honesty and integrity, so I expect from my friends to give me the same reciprocity in return. Otherwise, why would they be my friend. someone who doesn’t have the same respect for me as I do for them is not a true friend. A true friend gives you happiness, not misery.

It is hard being alone, going to bed alone every night. I can not let my dark spot suck me back in. I just curl up in the fetal position every night when I go to bed until I fall asleep. Sometimes I cry, I’m always alone. And, then I wake up the next morning in the same position and cry again before I get up and start my day.

The ancient Israelites were given a year to mourn because there was an understanding that a person in mourning would not be in their right minds while they figure out how to gather and collect themselves up to start living their new life without the one they lost. I can attest to this as true. It’s been 16 months today since Angela died, 4 months past a year and I still cry every day, multiple times a day. my emotions, yo yo in extremes. I have to work on that. I can not let my mood and emotions dictate how I act and behave and think. I don’t want my mood swinging wildly. I know there is a chance that I may not ever truly be happy again and that’s God’s will, but I can focus on trying to be not unhappy. Everything else will work itself out.

I have to be consistent. I didn’t write anything in my journal this month. I was stagnant and down, feeling sorry for myself. I just have to keep going. I let the house go. But, I did have a girlfriend come over yesterday so I was forced to clean up. I can’t be living like a bachelor anymore if I am going to be having girls over. I had to get my life in order and pull myself out of my pathetic state and take care of myself. I’m not a child. I’m a responsible parent. I got the house cleaned up for my friend and it was nice. So that was good.

It’s my responsibility to raise my children to the best of my ability and give them the best chance and start. And, to demonstrate to them how to live a good, decent life; a life of good morals.

I have to focus on my mental, spiritual and physical health at the same time.

I look for no one for validation. I need no one’s approval to feel a certain way about myself. I only trust myself and my God because no one knows what they are talking about and just parrot what they hear and see. I do not look to fake things to validate myself. I hold no jealousy or envy in my heart. I am in competition with no one. I am confident in myself and in my abilities. I avoid conflict whenever possible. I don’t tolerate disrespect, and I don’t disrespect others. I don’t engage them. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. I do not let my emotions control me. I don’t care about fitting in. I do not let the thought leaders of culture dictate who I am. They show the world to be a hypersexualized, violent and a confrontational place powered by negativity and darkness. And, the followers then follow their lead and do as they do and be disgusting, vulgar and fowl.

I do not try to be anybody but myself. I don’t care what one person thinks about me. I do know that everyone that I talk to likes me. I know God blessed me with a good disposition and the ability to read people very quickly. I was blessed with a gentle and kind soul, but firm and strong when need be, backing down to nothing.

I don’t chase approval nor do I need any sort of validation from anyone no one. I experience my emotions, but I do not let them control me. I can only focus on what I can control. The rest is out of my hands. I do not compare myself to others.

I know you would be proud of me if you saw me today. I try very hard for you. Just because something is hard or difficult doesn’t mean I can just avoid it. So, I cannot be frozen.

God gave me the strength to always be my own individual and stand out from the rest. He has given me insight to understand the true connection of love that humans share with one another. The love that only comes from Him as part of his creation. The love we need to share with one another to help each other grow and mature through out our lifetimes.

Nobody has influence over me, but God. Everyone else is trying to prove themselves to each other, trying to impress each other, trying to gain a footing over each other. That its a world of chaos, not love and peace. That’s the devil’s playground where darkness lurks around every turn. Where people will do anything to get ahead of the next person, selling their souls to the highest bidder.

God is the only one who can remove you from that world. That is what you are being saved from. Otherwise, you end up just spinning in circles for your entire life never getting anywhere until you die and cease to exist to never know anything again. All you did is exist in a chaotic, unhappy life until it’s gone and over forever, to not return awake ever again.

I need to work on trying not to be an avoidant and do what I need to do when I need to do it. I can start by making a to-do list, which I didn’t do all this month.

I miss my friend and always will. The best friend I ever had is in the past and no one will ever compare. You will always be in my heart. because you are me and I am you and we share each other’s heart. I will always miss my friend. I love you. I cry for you every day.

I know my children see what I’m doing too and hope one day they will remember how I did not give up on them and pushed myself to be the best parent I could be for the both of them.