THE BUTTERFLY PILLOW
She was beautiful inside and out. With such a sweet and promising life ahead of her with nothing but sunshine and rainbows to fill her days…She dreamed on a butterfly pillow.
But, she learned the ways of manipulation at a young age from her mother. She showed her things that a child should not see. She told her things a child should not hear. Torn away from her father, she knew no better. She was a little girl. It could not be undone.
There was a Guardian Angel that had always been there to help her, He gave her sound advice. He cared for her absolutely and wanted only the best for her. And, she loved him for that. He was the one constant in her life. She could always count on him to help her and support her . He was a positive influence on her. He knew her heart inside and out. But, her curiosity and boredom get’s the best of her…
She makes up her mind and convinces herself that she would be better off without her Guardian Angel. He is no longer needed and she stomps her foot down. So, God gives her the gift of his absence.
“I will let her cook herself.” God declares. She is given the sprit of Cain. And, she is filled with jealousy.
She has instant regrets of pushing her Angel away.
A demon shows up at her doorsteps and she lets him. He has so much potential. His tongue tells her a fantastical story of their wonderful future together. Her ears drink it up and her imagination wonders. She has never felt feelings like this from such admiration and attention. And the stories he tells…
Curious of what this other life might have to offer…she has a thought! She tells her Guardian Angel,
“You don’t own me!’
And her Angel replied,
“If that is what you want.”
At the end of the movie the Witch, of course, she conjures Phillip, the demon goat to appear. He transforms himself into his true self, a devil, and he asks her,
“would thou like to live deliciously?’ as his tongue sithers.
She says “yes”.
Would thou like to see the world?”
She is unable to sign her name in the book presented in front of her.
“I can not write my name.” she declares.
Phillip says, “I will guide thy hand.”
She gives herself over to him. She is lead off into the woods, naked and possessed by her new keeper.
That is where that story ends in the 1600’s to find herself transformed in the modern age…This is a cautionary tale of going against God’s order of things.
THE NEWS OF THE DAY:
‘Angels fall like rain. And love is all of Heaven away’
Dreamboat Annie set sail in her ship of dreams. Headed out to somewhere, she won’t be back for a while. She blindly goes into the unknown. Her left hand is guided by her devil now.
She settles on wants with her demon and he gives her a shovel to carve out her new life that she has contemplated about for so long. She starts by digging 6 feet down. He whispers sweet nothings in her ear as she digs her own grave. He tells her of the exciting life they will lead together, forever in love. He is dreamy and almost too good to be true. He always knows the right thing to say to make her feel good. She’s six feet from and edge and she’s thinking, maybe six feet ain’t so far down. She tells him,
“I love you!”
She makes a life long decision on an emotional impulse and she digs. She tosses her dirt out to build a barrier around the hole she has created, she will need to protect herself from the outside. She will need to start building a wall up to protect her from anyone getting in.
She cannonballs into her pit of despair and declares in ecstasy,
“I’m free to do as I please!…I’m living my best life…”.
Is heard echoing down in the Karmic Cauldron as she descends from her leap of faith.
As soon as the light turned green her tires were spinning, burning, sliding out of control. She knew immediately that something wasn’t right. Something was wrong. She was going sideways, in a drift, off course. Before she even started to move forward, she was going down, and she was going out.
Her Demon says,
“Calling all passengers, the Ship of Situations is about to set sail.”
Where it’s all her, all the time. When she lands at her first stop, six feet down, it’s already a little cold and damp. Her demon jumps on her back and attaches himself to her. He reaches around and rips her heart out from her chest, Tosses it in a hook shot out of the hole and says
‘You won’t be needing that anymore. It’s better this way.”
With her discarded heart goes any nurturing love that was inside her. And, the hole in her chest, where her heart once was, is replaced with a bottle of black potion of lust and desires and wanting. Her mind is now in control. Her thoughts will reign her life. She is now cold inside. And, she has a new friend to guide her.
Her heart sinks in the mud above and turns the color of dirt and withers. It is now dirt. She watches it dissolve away and thinks to herself,
“maybe this wasn’t right. ugh.”
The key ingredient is tossed into the Karmic Cauldron- The Princess Syndrome – and the lid is slammed shut in a thunderous ending and beginning to her new life in her hole that she has dug for herself. It goes dark in her hole. She will only have her Demon to guide her through the darkness. Her Guardian Angel is cut off and disconnected from her. She will hear from him no more. He offers no more advice, he offers her no more help with the direction of her life and he offers her no more companionship. She is truly alone for this journey. The cauldron is set over a steady flame, set to simmer. She has instant regrets of pushing her Angel away. Her heart is gone and his heart hurts for her. His heart hurts for his loss. But, it is was done.
She lets her Demon consume her. She lets him control her. She lets him influence her behaviors and guide her ways. She lets him take total control of her. It has been consummated. She consumed him and he consumed her and they became one together. Her new identity is unfolding, Her hole is getting deeper as she digs and digs to escape her past…
The demon’s plot: to get her not to believe in herself, to get her to have self doubts about herself. To get her to feel inferior to those around her, to get her to behave in ways based on the false narrative he pushes on her, a fantasy of delusions. A drama unfolding in real time…
She likes to have fun and she is loves to be impulsive. So she finds someone who matches her fun’ness and who craves her like she craves him. Her demon encourages her cheating ways. That is how it all starts. Because she was bored and cheating was exciting and invigorating. She had found her passion – cheating and sneaking makes her feel alive inside. The thrill of the rush becomes her drug of choice and her demon was going to be by her side and guide her the entire way. Her new Angel of the Dark..She now craves it…She has tasted it…She salivates in desires for it..For all that is out there to be tried and had.
She is instructed live impulsively. There is no need to think about consequences.
“Do what ever it is you want to do according to your own needs. Do what thou wilt. This will suit you best.”
She puts on an act. It is her Drama called-a-life after all.
She has to cheat to feel good. She has to cheat to feel admired. She has to cheat to feel like she is person that everybody wants and desires. One thing is for certain, the Princess Syndrome is never faithful. She plants seeds of hurt and betrayal, and expects a harvest of blessings.
She chooses fools gold for her first pick in the honey department, shiny on the outside, seemingly perfect with everything that is represented on the outside, but false on the inside. That’s not what she wanted. She didn’t see that one coming. She will have to deal with that and replace him.
Her demon tells her,
“the Princess Syndrome boasts and exaggerates and lies about things that may or may not have been done. It is the story that counts. As long as she looks good in the end she will say what ever she needs to say. She is the most dangerous of girls and will stop at nothing to get what she wants.”
She is tough and believes that she is up to the challenge of swimming in the deep with the sharks, alone, with no safety vest. It’s her versus the world. No one is going to tell her what to do. She’s going to win at all costs. Playing fair is for the weak and pathetic. She has the Princess Syndrome.
FOR THE MEN – Top 5 GOOD ways to be in a relationship with the Princess Syndrome…
- Thank her for air you breathe, the food you eat and the life that she has created for you.
- Applaud her often. She likes it.
- Stop having your own personality (you are an extension of her and she knows what’s best for you)
- She is always right
- Totally abandon yourself for the sake of Her
And she will say,
“I know a game we can play…I give you nothing and you chase me until the end of time!”
Her victim’s wish their Mama would have warned them,
“Because you are a giver, make sure you don’t fall in love with a taker. Because a taker don’t have limits. And, neither does a giver.”
Thanks to her demon she can engage in calculated and harmful behaviors without the burden of moral conflict. She takes pride in her ability to inflict harm on others, and revels in the chaos she creates. In the cyclone that ensues, she finds pleasure in the destruction of someone else’s stability. Watching the fallout of her actions gives her a sense of power and superiority. Harm is not just a biproduct of her achieving her goals but also a sense of pleasure in itself.
Her Demon says,
“You might be second, or you might be last, but the Princess Syndrome is always first and she is always right. Even if you have proof.”
A Dash of deceit is added to the cooker pot. Concerns in her head about her decision start to creep into her thoughts, but without that heart of hers to balance her out, she is icy, she is shifty and she is bold to claim what she wants. She causes fires but doesn’t stick around for the smoke. She’s insidious and she is dangerous.
Her demon says,
“With the Princess Syndrome, no one’s opinion shall differ than hers. There is always a price to pay for having your own thoughts against her. Prognosis: Negative.”
On the outside: She’s seems fine and she carries herself well, but under-neith-it-all, she is the darkness. –She hides how she feels–She hides how she thinks–She hides what she does–She lives a secret life–. She lurks in the dark. Her Demon shows her the dark she loves it. She craves and desires it. She can’t get enough of it. It is the ultimate rush. She becomes the night; The lady of the night.
Her demon tells her,
“the Princess Syndrome promises each victim the world and a wonderful life together then delivers the same promise to the next victim as well, regardless if she is still with the first. She is the conductor of a three ring circus always juggling fresh blood. The more victims at once, the more drama it creates, the more alive she feels.”
Like a good investigator she builds out a target profile, knowing his story before the first encounter ever even happens. She is cunning. She needs to play to game. Anything can and will set her off in her current hookup and have her seeking out her next victim. She always has one in waiting, one she is pursuing. A new body is always exciting to her until they don’t live up to their expectations anymore and she gets bored with them.
She acts like a child throwing tantrums. Jealousy and manipulation become the norm. She becomes over bearing and takes total control of all situations. Unless she meets her match. She is swimming with the sharks after all. She learns quickly how to spot the weak. Spot the needy. She will make them the villain of her drama to validate her behaviors.
Her demon tell her,
“the Princess Syndrome uses her new victim to punish her old victim until the new becomes the old and he is punished as well for the same thing that he saved her from previously and so forth and so on with so many more endless victims.”
Her demon sings,
‘She’s the devil in disguise…buy her a drink and you’ll pay later…She’s a Friday night heartbreaker.”
She’s in it for her own gains. There are affairs and secret lovers. This keeps her busy outside her main squeeze. Some say 5 is a good number to juggle at once. Each in their own stage of the Karmic cycle. 1 for the main squeeze, 4 for the team.
In her hole: She is in a lot of pain. So, she digs her hole deeper and continues downward and outward to hopefully bury her pain and guilt and shame with her muddy and missing heart. With all of the excess dirt she tosses out of her life, She builds a wall around her hole; It is the wall of avoidance, the wall of arrogant contempt, her wall to protect her fragile self from getting hurt. Besides, she has her demon by her side to protect her and guide her.
She wraps herself up in her witch’s brewed black bubble wrap as the world revolves around her self centered universe. Her demon encompasses her. Her Victim’s feelings are irrelevant to her. She sees no need to take responsibility for her behaviors because she prioritizes herself over all others, at all times. She would never bow down to their level. They bow to her. Or, else. Compromising and admitting fault is for the weak, not for the Princess Syndrome.
Her demon says,
“the Princess Syndrome doesn’t play fair, she plays cruel. She plays calculated and she plays dirty. She plays for keeps. Or, at least until she gets bored. Then to the trash they go to be tossed out with the rest of her past pleasures. At all cost, she will keep her good name.”
He puts her under the chaos spell-of-confusion. He has her looking at that which does not serve her inner good, only what serves her wants and her desires. That, which will eventually crush her under the weight of her own guilt and shame of her actions.
She moves with ease when it comes to doing the wrong thing. But a coward when it comes to doing the right thing. She will cast the first stone and hide her hands behind her back. She is a snake in the grass that will strike at any moment. Calculating like a mathematician, she plans her best chess moves with each of her players, she strategizes how to keep them at a distance, but how to keep them in the game. Always keep them on the board just in case. It doesn’t matter how her victims feel about it. It’s better for her to not think how they might feel about such things. What she feels is the only thing that matters, unless she’s inflicting emotional pain on her victims.
Add another notch to the bedpost and on to the next because she always has a relationship lined up before she ends the one before, She will make plans to leave him while she tells him that she loves him. She tells her new fling that in the relationship that she is currently in, he is no good for her, he doesn’t love her the way he should, and he doesn’t support her. this builds a plot to her fantasy and false foundation for her new victim. Plotting one against the other is a favorite past time of hers, having them fight over her affection. But soon enough, the tables will turn on him too. And, just possibly, on her.
Her demon sings,
“shortie keep come’n around…She want to get hit…Devil hold tight on her body…It’s a-hell-of-a-show”
She feigns ignorance by denying and playing the victim. She becomes an expert at playing the damsel in distress. She is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. She is a Praying mantis that bites her victims heads off when she has satisfied herself and their business is done and they are needed no more.
On the outside: She is constantly met with disappointment. She has a slow erosion of confidence which triggers feelings of distrust. more erosion, until her ability to assess situations correctly is gone.
She becomes two faced behind what ever mask she is wearing at that moment. She will be sweet and subdued with one victim. But, peace makes her bored. So she moves on to an explosive and combative and charged beyond control relationship with a new victim just moments later. The new victim was there all along in her closet of skeletons, in her secrets that she keeps, he pops out like a jack-n-the-box ready to go at a moments notice, ready to be taken over by her. No worries, she will tie them both on her sting of broken dreams in due time.
Her demon tell her,
“With The Princess Syndrome, she must play the game to win, Be the aggressor, take advantage before she is taken advantage of, use everything and everyone to her advantage, to suit her needs first, to make sure that it is her moving ahead, not them. Win at all costs no matter what. No regrets.”
Drama is what drives her. She doesn’t want to miss any of the good times. And, nothing is more exhilarating in the drama of life than cheating and deceptions and keeping secrets to hurt someone later.
Little miss independent – she doesn’t need anyone; accept for her new companion that she latches on to with, instantly, telling them how much she loves them and that they are the best thing that ever happened to her. It’s an endless cycle of repeat and going nowhere, accept from relationship to relationship. Each becomes more volatile, and shorter in duration until they are just an exchange of fluids between the two.
She adds a notch to her bedpost and puts her prize up on the shelf like a trophy to have them in waiting just in case she needs something from them again one day. The victim should die in place as she leaves them, until she swings back around to unfreeze them, use him for what he is worth, before she freezes him in place again, until she is ready once again, for a go round. Mission: Keep them in the rotation. She does this until there is nothing but a carcass shell left of the victim. She then tosses the carcass over her shoulder just to litter. She Don’t care.
Most likely though, it’s to sooth her ego or whatever her current desire is. She will satisfy it, at what ever cost to whomever can please her. Until then, they all wait in their place on the shelf of the conquered and downtrodden. And, they sing to her lovingly in a capella together from their perched positions.,
“And when you go, go, go , go…I Know, it never ends…When it’s over, is it really over? That’s the time your in my heart again.”
She becomes a social chameleon that transforms and becomes whomever she needs to be, for whomever she needs to be. She moulds herself to the people she is around. She becomes a copy cat without a personality.
Her deceitful practices of bonding intimately require the swapping of fluids for consummation and her display of dominance. Now she has full control of her victim to do as she pleases and come and go as she pleases and to treat him as she pleases. She now possesses him but he possesses her too. Two become one in the simmering karmic pot. She fractures from her new conquest, possessed by her new lover. Loosing herself as well, one notch at a time, with each of her endless partners. They become a little more twisted, together. They are poison in each other’s veins. She is fire and ice, a dream that won’t come true.
Her mental state fractures a little each time she gives herself away in her world of no self control, no self worth, and no self love. Bit by bit she disappears into her lovers. She takes on some their traits, each time she consummates, until there is nothing left to her but a hollow and shallow being of torment. Fracturing upon fracturing upon fracturing. Because she welcomed them to her. She gave herself away to them. Now she is in all of them and she is in none of herself. The bond is complete and the demon intertwines them body and soul from then on out, for better or worse. But, mostly always worse. They have all now become one with each other in the cess pool of the Karmic Kettle.
She will change into whomever she needs to suit her new suiter. She can change who she is when ever it suits her. She plays how she needs to. It’s a drama, remember. It’s just another illusion that she creates. But that change is only temporary to get what she wants. And, once she does get what she wants, she reverts back to the devil she is. And She sings…
“I’d rather be famous instead
I don’t care, I paint the town red.
Mm, she the devil
She a bad lil’ bitch, she a rebel
She put her foot to the petal”
Her car has been written on as if she was ‘just married’. except it says ‘Always single?’. She pulls her strings of broken promises behind her unwedded car. It’s tied with all of her past cans she has kicked to the curb. Like a victory procession of old, she drags her victims behind her chariot, marching them through the streets before they meet their untimely and gruesome end in the arena. In one hand boldly held high, she holds the bed post of notches, there is a claw mark for each that she conquered. It is completely covered in slashes. She drags their beaten and tumbled cans on the strings of broken promises behind her chariot of abuse, staining the asphalt in a red carpet of blood as she goes rippin’ down the road.
She tells anybody who will listen how difficult it is to deal with her Guardian Angel.
She becomes a succubus, devouring every man she can to steal a part of, and consume their soul. Her demon will then latch on to each of her victims creating an unbreakable bond between her and all of her lovers. She takes on their demon as well. A snake only sheds its skin to become a bigger snake.
Her cannonball into the karmic kettle was immediate and it was indefinite. How long did it take for it to sink in that the pretend life she had created for some fun and excitement was actually her real life. And, she was stuck in it. And, there was no going back. No Do Overs. No Crying Fowl. She threw herself in her grave, so she was going to have to figure out how to get out of it. Or, parish with the rest of the dead brewing in the Pot of the Lost. She was going to have to sink or swim, with the sharks of coarse.
She is set a drift on her ship of situations. She takes alot of hits and is struck by many torpedos. From situation ship to situation ship she goes. Where this ship stops at the end of its run, only God knows. Will she sink to the depths of the dark and waste away to nothing or will she make it back to the light in Safe Harbor to rejoice? She is a shutter in the Gails, battered, she has become unhinged.
Living in the shadows, lurking at night, she desperately seeks out her inner most desires. There is no looking back as she digs her crater of a hole. Her heart is long gone, buried under a mountain – the wall of protection. But she isn’t protected, because she is swimming with the sharks, and they want to eat her like she wants to eat them. It’s a dog eat dog world where only the savage remain on top. She is used and she is abused.
She is addicted to sex, drugs and alcohol in her downward spiral. No matter how much she tries to fill her insatiable desires she will never be satisfied. No matter what she does, or how often she does it, nothing seems to be enough to curb her cravings.
On the outside: her life is not as together as it seems and she becomes unstable and looses control of herself, over decisions, over her emotions. She is obsessive, she is compulsive and she can’t stop her addictions. They have taken over completely. She can’t stop her impulses.
In her hole: Her digging hits the rocks at the bottom. The hole is the size of a meteor strike. She can go no deeper. She can go no farther. There is no where left to go. The floor starts to turn to lava all around her.
The same pattern is repeated with each situation ship she rides out, each one becomes shorter and more volatile. Each one is a downgrade from the previous one because each new victim has to be weaker than the previous victim to assure future dominance. Although each new victim is a downgrade, since the Princess Syndrome can do no wrong, they are the perfect one when she meets them. She finally has found what she is looking for with each new partner. They are the perfect specimen. They have to be since she is perfect and she picked them and she tells them that she “loves” them. She shows them all the love she can in any way she can because she loves the attention. That is, until they show her that they are human and don’t live up to her fantasy in her head of them and they are flawed and they are thrown away and tossed out as scraps for the dogs.
Picking up the scraps for the nearest body of comfort, never minding who they are anymore, she lets them enter her life, possessing her with their grimmy selves, just for her to not be alone. She thought she ordered Spaghetti with meatballs with her new beau-flame but when her platter of delectable arrived it was nothing but watered down noodles and ketchup with no meat.
Her cravings and desires now dictate her entire life.
she sings,
“all that she wants, is another baby, she’s gone tomorrow!!!”
In the quiet, she replays in her mind how she got herself into this mess. She tries not to be coherent enough to reflect, if possible. Because, otherwise she thinks about her Guardian Angel and what he would think of her now. And the thought of that is an unbearable truth that she can not face. She can’t even look at herself in the mirror.
In her hole: She sees a rope hanging down and grabs it. It is the only safety left as her world melts away. She holds on for dear life. She holds her feet up as the rock begins to turn to molten lava below. She refuses to let herself drop and holds on for dear life. She’s is not giving up yet.
With each victim, she looses a little bit more of her true self. The innocent girl that welcomed this journey with open arms and over the top enthusiasm is now crumbling and realizing her mistake. But, there is no turning back. This is the path that she chose. She is the one who cannonballed in, with a perfect 10 splash.
On the outside: any happiness that is found there is false and is short lived. Things are not opening up for her anymore like they did in the past. Time is catching up with her.
Her demon leads her to Despair and anguish and emotional upheaval and distress. She knows now that she is trapped in a life that she never would have chosen if she had only known what the consequences were going to be and what she would find herself doing and saying and becoming.
She is hooked on the dumpers high, or is it, the rebound high. She is addicted to the new body she consumes and she is addicted to the pain that she causes in discarding the old. It is a vicious cycle of using others to feed her addiction and sooth her vulnerabilities by her feeling anything. She has driven herself to madness. Soon the new will be the old and he too will feel her pain that she will inflict, just to watch him suffer. She growls and salivates as her fangs drip with anticipation. She is a vampire of the night, sucking the life force from victim to victim, leaving each for dead. Taking what she wants, discarding the rest for the vultures and birds of death to clean up her mess she leaves behind.
She does the things you would think you would only see in the movies. She doesn’t realize it yet, but she is the villain in her own drama. She isn’t the character that one should want to associate with. And, with a cunning eye, she learns how to pick her victims that want to be picked. She learns how to choose those who want to be chosen. Then she baits them in with her body, makes them fall madly in love with her so she can shatter their hearts and watch them explode and implode into a madning love attachment. She will destroy his heart as many times as she pleases, and it does please her, until he withers away and she moves on the greener pastures. She tells the newest graduate to victimhood as she slips out the backdoor,
“on the shelf you go, to sing to me, with all my many others! and others! and others, who wait for me, and dream of me until my return to crush their hope and dreams once more!”
She is trapped in her life. Someday, one day, she will have to accept the fact that the life she lives is in fact her reality and there is no going back to the way things were. Instead she drowns herself in sorrow. And, she is sad, very sad inside. Her Guardian Angel is sad beyond belief. He only wants to see her happy and thriving and full of life. It hurts his heart to the core to see her not thriving and so sad. God gave her the most beautiful smile of all and it has gone missing.
Her Angel’s silence is the only thing that puts her in a moment of clarity. She must make choices that are not reactionary. She must make choices that are real and have consequences. She can’t stand the silence anymore. but the silence continues and she finally realizes that nobody is coming to save her. She is not allowed to forget about her Guardian Angel and she doesn’t understand why. She just wants to forget him because his memory, his voice and his absence are the real pain that she feels in her black bottled heart hole. She must take responsibility for herself and learn how to overcome, she must learn how to problem solve. She must learn how to act right.
She must save herself from herself. She sits in her own silent treatment having to think over and over about her emotions and her decisions and it drives her to the brink of insanity.
She feels sorry for herself and asks,
“Why is this happening?”
She is the one who declared that she needed no help from no one and pushed anyone who might have actually cared about her, away. The simmer of the kettle and the pressure of the lid being sealed tight, has raised the climate to unbearable levels inside this brew of the toxic. How would she know, that this could be her fate?
Her demon sings to her, just to antagonize her at this point, slow and methodical,
“Do you believe in magic?”
But there is no fairy dust coming out of her beat’n stick bed post. Despair is nothing compared to what is to come. She is in sinking sand, She is in a bad situation. She clicks her heels together and nothing happens. She has officially fractured completely. Only negative thoughts surge through her racing and spinning mind.
Everything goes quiet. She is all alone and sobbing. She regrets pushing her Guardian Angel away. The cauldron constantly stirs of the echo of the lid slamming shut behind her. The thunder is a constant reminder of the end, and of the beginning of this journey she is on regardless if she wants to be on it or not. She is trapped in the reality that she wished upon herself. She has broken her own heart.
The biggest lies that people tell themselves are the ones they tell themselves to convince themselves everything is OK. Her small world thinking has her creating problems out of small things, anything. She interacts with anything she wants in the world. She has no time to observe and grow and understand. She doesn’t see the need for that.
Down she goes into the depths of hell in her mind until she is completely consumed by her demon and there is nothing left to her but a shell of her old self. Empty and hollow inside with an ice cold bitter black bottled heart hole, she pretends to the world that she is ok. But in reality, her mental state has collapsed and she hits rock bottom. Her pains consume her with agony. The Karmic ship bows through the muck swamp headed for troubled waters.
Her fracturing has created multiple personalities. Each personality matches its respective victim. In the end, there were too many possessions to maintain. It became too much of a strain on her mental state to match which mask with what victim.
She falls to an unstable immature lunatic. She becomes a coward and hides behind her female assets. She needs no brains for that. Her head becomes a like Bimbo Bread. Nothing But filler, with no substance.
On the outside: She struggles to hold it together as her life becomes chaos and confusion. Does She loose her job?
Deep down, when she thought she felt her heart and she thought about her Angel, she knew the life that she was living, the direction she was heading was not right. She could feel it because God made it so. And she began to think about changing for the better. But her pride? Her demon has a firm grip on that. He has total control of her, her decisions, her impulses, her cravings to satisfy her desires. She wasn’t able to stop herself. There is nothing left to her but bones.
Through heavy alcohol and drug use she becomes a lush. She has reduced herself to the lows of being just a bimbo with a body that she gives out freely to anyone who desires her. She makes herself easy and throws herself at them. Any dude’ll do. Does she even care anymore about what her Angel thinks? Would she behave this way if she knew that he knew what was really going on, deep in the simmer where she thinks she is out of sight? She looks for love in so many places that she doesn’t even know what she is looking for anymore. She has much anguish. Her ship is lost at sea, drifting aimlessly wherever the currents take her. She has lost all control of her life and it’s up to the Karmic Kettle to sort it out now. She can only roll the dice. It’s a crap shoot how things will turn out. The karmic carousel comes around when it comes around.
All of her chances and all of her opportunities are gone. Wasted away in the night, burnt behind her trail blazing pumpkin named ‘Scorched Earth’. She is drowning in her own emotions. She puts on a brave face but inside, she is devastated by her own actions. She is fragile. Finally seeing the consequences what she has done, she becomes even more unpredictable. The Joker would be proud of her in the performance of her lifetime. This makes her Guardian Angel want to cry because he knows that she is better than that. He refuses to believe that she doesn’t regret the things that she has done. He refuses to believe that her pride is so strong that she would rather go the rest of her life in the dark, below in the dank, than to acknowledge what lead her there and why. He refuses to believe it because he believes in her. He always has and he always will. Deep inside she knows this. She has always known this. That is why she can not stop thinking about him.
The drama of her life, of living on instant gratifications, would have to come to an end eventually. Something would have to break. There would be no karmic avoidance in this brew.
She is anxious and pines over her mistakes. But that doesn’t change anything. She is still at the bottom in misery, anguish and sorrow. God puts her in a place where she is no longer able to change the situation. She is challenged with changing herself, or die. Does she want to die? This is her chance to do so. But she lives. She holds herself up. She has the will to survive.
In her hole: The ground is now completely lava. It starts to rains. She is holding on to the end of her rope, upside down, like spider man with her legs above her head. The water sizzles just below her as the lava is tamed. The rain starts to fill the hole. The rope is cut and she drops into the water. Only she can help herself. Only she can wake up, only she can find herself. This is a journey she must take on her own. She got herself into this mess, She got herself this far, she will suffer her way through the rest. It was God’s choice to honor her discomfort that she stomped her foot down for. But she must still face the issue…The Princess Syndrome which helps to steer her away from her chronic boredom, and, the demon, that has crushed her face into the pavement with his hoof.
How long is she bound in shackles for, as she refuses to see and acknowledge who she has become. How long before she acknowledges her pains and sorrows and asks God to forgive her for all that she has done: Her past transgressions that shame her. To let them be lifted from her spirit. To let God carry her burdens and release her pains. And, give her Love in her heart that is pure.
So, she remains shackled to her life in darkness. Looking up, she knows there is only one hope for her. Or does she?
I’m absolutely fine!”
she declares as she falls apart inside. She isolates herself because for the first time she realizes that she is alone and has no friends because she has burned every one of them in her cooker pot of dissolvable dreams. She is miserable behind the curtain of her drama play. When everyone has left and she is all alone, she is sad. Very sad. She cries in secret. Black mascara runs down her face as she realizes she’s been living in a distorted reality, her own warped fantasy. Removing back the layers of veils, she is forced to see her life for the truth that it is. She begs to be released from her burden of tears.
In her hole: Her mountain of a wall of delusion and protect crumbles down and the hole is consumed by the waters. The lid of the kettle is released and the toxic brew dissipates into the waters above. She is left treading in the open water and this is exhausting. She can’t swim forever. She grabs hold of her coffin that is floating near by. And, that is where she remains, afloat…aimlessly, gripping her bobbing cork coffin, just to stay alive. Is she really alive, grasping death to stay afloat?
She thinks about her Gardian Angel and knows that she has become a predator of the night, stalking her victims, and like a cat in crouching position, she pounces at just the right moment to go in for the kill. She sees her Angel and she sees shame. She sees every horrible thing she has ever done because she knows he is good. And, she knows, that he knows all of this about her, without saying a word. And, because of his goodness, she wants to do good too, but it scares her because she doesn’t think she is good enough for him. She is good. But, she doesn’t know how to be. She doesn’t know what to say. She doesn’t know where to start.
She looked all over hell but Heaven could not be found.
She starts to reflect and look inward on herself. God leads her to start understanding herself.
In her Hole: She spots something floating in the distance. She makes the choice to let go of her coffin and takes a chance, and swims with everything she has, arriving in complete exhaustion to find a sparkle butterfly pillow carrying her heart in the tide. She rips the black bottle of potion out of her chest and has to put her own heart back into socket. It had to be done alone. She performs the procedure by herself while being jostled in the waves. It popped back in and she awoke.
Holding on to her butterfly pillow in the waves, she realizes that she is not dead inside. It was her demon that convinced her of that. Her heart tells her that she is alive and what she feels is love. Her pure heart has found its way back and she begins to realize that it was there all along because God has been there all along.
She settles on needs with God and he gives her a husband…
God gives her a husband and he gives her balance and love and caring support. She has hidden her emotions in hopes that they could always be hidden. But hiding emotions only leads to voitility in her state of well being. The highs are too high and the lows are too low. Her husband helps to ground her and level her out, giving her the balance and stability and support that she deserves to grow into the person that God always intended for her to be. She knows and values the sacred importance of union of husband and wife, and of family. She is proud of herself because she loves herself and she loves her husband. And, her husband loves her dearly. She stops being so hard on herself and lets go of all that she can not control.
She gets a pep in her step and she is proud of herself because she loves herself and she love’s her husband and her husband thinks that she hung the moon and he adores her because she is special. He adores her, and she thanks God for him. But deep down she has always felt like something was missing, that she wasn’t complete.
She is grounded with her husband and can not live without him. He is her other half. She goes to battle for him, she is not in the spirit of accusation against him, She backs him up in every battle, she respects and reveres him. She is the warrior that she is called to be for her family.
Soon she starts to see, with the help of her husband, that she is a pretty amazing girl. He shows her her heart and she adores him for that; the way a marriage should be. It was an arranged marriage all along. It was written long ago.
But deep down, her heart still lives in the past. Her head won’t let it go. Something is missing. Thinking of her decisions past, she knows, that she is right where she is supposed to be. She could not love her husband enough for loving her the way that he does. She is deserving of his love and he deserves her love. They deserve happiness together.
One day, out of the blue, she is given a gift from God, Invisible to most, seen only by the few. In the smallest of packages is the greatest gift of all. She is offered eternal life, offered peace and happiness on earth. She is shown the way to truly find herself and rise from depths completely, for Good.
On the outside: Her life is a fight against the river of rapids, trying to swim up a river flowing, It is exhausting and eventually she can go no more. When all she had to do all along was let go and float with the current, with the path that it cuts. And it would lead her to where is she is was always meant to be. And, she will drink from it. And, it will give her life. Because they are the waters that flow from God. Only those who are worthy, drink from the source. Only those chosen by God himself are given life eternal. No matter where they came from, no matter what they have done. If he chooses you, he chooses you and you are yoked to him for eternity.
She cries and she calls upon Him and she prays to Him and He listens to her. She seeks Him and she finds Him because she searched for Him with ALL of her heart. Does she search for God with the Spirit of Cain – in selfishness? Or, does she search for God in the spirit of Abel – offering a true sacrifice, herself. Her heart. Her love. Her belief in her faith in Heaven. Only then does God give her an understanding of the True World that rises above all else. This is in her heart because God is in her heart.
Realizing what this meant, she begs God for forgiveness for all that she has done. She prays to be saved and begs for him to have mercy on her. She is reborn and renewed and humbled to the true version of herself that she has always been. The girl she was always meant to be. God’s light shines on her and she radiates once more.
She knows all of this because her heart is calling her to do this. She can not deny it because it’s a pull from the Heavens. She has been called to look inward and upward. She no longer has a choice.
In the hole: She is adrift in the currents of the turmultuoous sea. She sleeps soundly through the nights with her head on her butterfly pillow and her heart firmly secure. One day, her Angel comes and picks her up with his wing and carries her and her butterfly to dry land. The only land in sea. Her Guardian Angel puts the butterfly wings on her back and she is transformed. She is taken to the city on the hill. The one that is not hid. It is always protected from all that is bad. Her Guardian Angel tells her,
“I have always been proud of you. I will always be proud of you. You are deserving of a pure heart with glitter wings. It’s beautiful, just like you.”
She realizes that people are not put on paths to see what they want, people are put on paths to see what they need.
She experienced childhood emotional neglect as a little girl. She didn’t get the nurturing support needed to develop and learn what was love truly is and how to handle and understand it. Because what she was shown by her mother was wrong. Her mother was mean, not giving her the love and nurturing that a small child needs to thrive emotionally as an adult. She was not allowed to express her emotions properly by her mother, to learn them correctly. She only knew what she heard and saw and how her little brain would cope with it. What she hid from, She pretended.
She learned to hide young from trauma she should never have witnessed. She learned to escape in her head to hide the pain. To hide her rejection from the manipulation tactics her mother dumped on her and her family. She was little and only knew to run and hide and pretend or do what she was told to do or else.. She deserved better than that. She knows that she is better than that, and that is not what makes her who she is. That, is not what breaks her. She has her own heart, that loves unconditionally. It was never broken. It was her circumstances that were broken. A heart can not be changed on its own, only a mind can. Loving parents show their children how to love and how to express their emotions. When a parent suppresses a child’s emotional development, that child will not understand their emotions as an adult and will actively try to hide from them or push who ever is causing them away. So they never learn to love properly. Most don’t even know that there is a problem to learn from. They just become an avoidant in relationships as an adult and fail in almost all of them until they learn to heal from within and take accountability and responsibility for their actions.
God changes your heart which leads to you wanting to change your mind’s perceptions and understanding of things. To truly know the real world. The True world. The world where the spirits above reside with man below. The world that everyone would like to pretend doesn’t exist. The world that people don’t want to exist because then they would have to hold themselves accountable to something higher than themselves. And they don’t want to do that. That takes work and dedication and commitment and having to make real changes in their lives. It is easier to do what you want. Doing what you want is always more fun. And, convenient.
She never gives up on herself, It’s not possible because God won’t allow it. no matter how low. no matter how powerless she feels, he will always be in her heart. She will not be able to make a decision without knowing this from now on. God resides in her heart. She stands on truth, she stands on the authority of God. Without God, there is no truth to hold her inner truth against. It changes with the wind. She releases her expectations and just lets life happen, She lets God take the reins. Her journey is not about speed, but her presence. She is released from her need to control the tides and she trusts that each step, no matter now slow or uncertain it is, is leading her exactly where she needs to be. No longer forcing a narrative or a direction, she is at peace and is content and can relax and just be. Happy and hopeful and kind.
She is humble because she loves herself. and everyone around her notices this. That there is something special inside of her. Something real, something genuine. She was not meant to follow, she is meant to lead.
No matter how lost she felt, no matter how small her steps felt, no matter how lost she felt, she didn’t give up. She kept trying and she trusted in her God for protection and guidance. She moves forward with confidence.
She finds her inner peace and strength and confidently slays her demon of her past. She exercises it into oblivion. It is removed from her person for good, never to be seen again. It can no longer touch her. She thrives in her independence and strength with God. He protects her under his wing.
She realizes that a pure heart does not mean a pure mind. The mind is constant work but the heart is stronger. Love conquers all. She will strike down anything that tries to steer her wrong.
She realizes the only way to be defeated is to allow herself to be put in a position to be. She is stronger than that. She is mindful of his tricks of temptations that the devil lobs at her.
She is radiant. and people see it, and people feel it and people say,
“She has been touched by God. He favors her.” Because they see it. Because it’s true. Because God wants her to know that.
She is empowered with love and strength and through her challenges she flourishes and her Guardian Angel could not be happier for her.
She is reminded of the amazing girl she is. That she always was. That she always will be.
And for the rest of her days she is good and pure, elevated above all that is wrong, all that is bad. She has found her inner peace and continues to strive to improve herself and grow in understanding of what it is she now represents and why. Dressed In fine white linens glowing in gold, her beauty radiates from within and shines on everyone that comes across her. Because, inside and out, she is truly beautiful and deserving of God’s love and his compassion. She lives in true happiness.
No matter the life you try to live, whether you live in the house on the hill or the house in the valley, if you do not live your life for God, in the end, you are dead and did not really live at all. You were dead all along. It was all for nothing. When God takes his breath back, there is no more remembering a thing ever again. Annihilation is complete.
It is for God or it is for nothing.
It is for Light or it is for darkness.
It is for Heaven or it is for the grave – Sheol.
There is no in between. It’s Life or death.
On the inside: she is in: A kind place. A gentle place. A peaceful place. All with a beautiful heart.
We all have our own timeline for growth and maturation. Some never mature, they are dead to the things that are real. Life is not always perfect, that is a guarantee. And, It can certainly be a struggle.
But, she is on her way to go get everything that God has already declared to be hers. For her, she’s not dead with the rest of them, the unknowns of nothing but bones, with their demons of the dark. She has been given Life and her most awesome self comes forth. And, she radiates. And, everyone can see it, because she is Truly Divine. She dreams in peace with a heart full of love. She dreams on a butterfly pillow.
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